New "Ass"istant

One afternoon, Overshare and Toolshed ran into my office.

Overshare and Toolshed, in unison: Guess what?? We’re having a baby!!

This statement gave me a mini-heart attack. And then subsequently gave me an incredibly strong urge to stab out my own eyes. It’s not a pretty mind-picture to have, these two procreating, much less with each other.

But by this point, I’ve grown quite accustomed to Overshare’s random utterances that are meant to shock me into asking for clarification. So I just sat and looked at the two of them, waiting for the inevitable explanation.

Overshare and Toolshed, in unison again: We hired our new assistant!!

Yes, Dear Readers, I’m pleased to present to you Overshare and Toolshed’s new mutual assistant, Pompous McLaterson IV. Despite how real that name sounds, I promise, I made it up. And in order to get the job, you might remember, he must have spoken only in phrases at his interview.

Pompous McLaterson IV started the very next day. Apparently, he’s been unemployed for a while and is eager to start. He is a nice-enough guy, if slightly pompous... but only in that freshly-graduated "I'm going to change the world by the sheer force of my will and brilliance" naive way. Unfortunately for him, hell, unfortunately for us all, it didn’t take long for the oddities to begin.

At one point on his first day, Overshare was in my office (oversharing of course) when Pompous came in with a question. Quite normal for a new employee to have a question for his supervisor on his first day. He asked, she answered, he left.

He wasn’t two steps away from my door when it all began.

Overshare, loudly: Isn’t he so odd-looking?
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: Pompous! He’s just… ODD-looking.

It should be noted that Pompous was in NO WAY odd-looking. In fact, he was rather attractive.

Anonymous: I wouldn’t classify it as Odd, per se.
Overshare: Oh, it’s ODD. Something about his face.
Anonymous: What about his face?
Overshare: It’s ODD.

And that's it. That's all she'd say. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh DEAR. Overshare calling him “odd-looking” really had only one meaning. She thought he was attractive, and wanted someone else to say it first. When I refused to say it, she walked all around the office, polling everyone as to whether they felt Pompous was, in fact, as odd-looking as she had deemed.

There is NO WAY IN HELL this is going to end well.