Smoking Know It All

Witty Comeback decided to take a few days to think over the pros and cons of taking over Tyrannical Sorority Sister’s position, including any potential backlash that might occur from Overshare, should she actually take the job. In the mean time, another candidate threw her hat into the ring: Smoking Know It All.

Smoking Know It All… it boggles the mind to even begin to describe her. She basically, if you ask her, knows everything. And I mean, everything. How to do her job, how to do your job, how to do Incredibly Important Uppity-Up’s job, how to build a space rocket from dental floss, a bra, and orange juice. You know, the basics.

And she never hesitates, never ever hesitates to tell you so, either. In fact, she can't wait to tell you. She loves to tell you that Salesman A was a wacko or that if the company ever fired her, she could cause Management to set fire to the walls with the depth of knowledge she has about its inner workings.

Seriously, Smoking Know It All is the absolute lynch pin to our entire company, and without her the entire thing would crumble like a deck of cards. Just ask her.

But you never actually have to ask her, since her favorite pastime is gossiping, which she accomplishes through her smoking habit. At any time of day, if you walk outside you are almost assured of running into Smoking Know It All. She stands there, waiting for prey… and as soon as she sees someone from the company, she pounces, luring them in with some sordid detail about some department of the company and then proceeds directly into an hour-long lecture about how if she were running things, we’d all be so much better off and why can’t the management just listen to her, because she knows what she’s talking about and sheez, you’d think they’d give her a raise for being This. Damn. Smart.

Smoking + gossiping + infinite knowledge + outrageous sense of entitlement = not someone you want to move into your department of the company.

And to add some more tinder to an already explosive situation, Smoking Know It All and TSS were pretty good friends. And by pretty good friends, I mean Smoking Know It All only said negative things about TSS sometimes. And some more: Smoking Know It All and Overshare had already been in a rather entertaining and legendary cat fight earlier in the year regarding a report.

I was beginning to feel sorry for Boss Man—he didn’t really have a whole lot of options. He could promote the under-qualified Overshare, and deal with her and her oversharing tendencies on a much more consistent basis; hire Smoking Know It All and be forced to hear, every day, how other people simply don’t know what they’re doing and how she really should just be named Emperor of the World already and then everything would finally be all sunshine and puppies and brandy; hire someone outside the company in a total crap shoot; or hire Witty Comeback and have to deal with the drama that Overshare would doubtlessly contribute to such a situation.

What’s a Boss Man to do?