Resignations

My company has this habit of sending out what is supposed to be a weekly "newsletter", filled with interesting little tidbits about health insurance changes, or upcoming deadlines, or fun little notes like "Jim Bob in Accounting won the 14th Annual company apple bobbing competition! Congrats, Jim Bob in Accounting!" which are usually accompanied by a photo, which Jim Bob in Accounting would be horrified to see if anyone ever actually opened these newsletters to see anything other than one thing: Staff Changes.

Whenever we get one of these you can hear the sound of all the employees holding their breath as they open, search and find out who's leaving the company, thereby either dooming the reader to performing two jobs until someone else is hired or notifying them that they are losing their arch nemesis only to find that they're a little sad about it. And HR, as much as they like to try and say that "no, really, these newsletters are to keep us informed about the COMPANY, and it's important to know that Sheila in PR just finished her role as Yenta in a dinner theater production" they really don't believe that either because instead of getting this on a weekly basis like they say we will, we really only get them when there are staff changes to report.

These newsletters are always a prime piece of gossip-tinder too, because every once in a while you'll get a staff change announcement like "Todd has left the company. His last day was Tuesday. Best of luck in your future endeavors, Todd!" and it leaves everyone to speculate over whether or not Todd quit, or if he was fired for looking up new jobs on craigslist.

One day, one of these lovely newsletters found their way to my inbox, and I did as all the other office drones did-- opened it immediately to find the most startling news. I actually gasped.

But before I could process what was happening, I heard the sound of footsteps. Someone sprinted into my office. Do you even need to guess who it was?

Overshare: OH MY GOD!!!
Anonymous: I can't believe it.
Overshare: Oh my God!!!
Anonymous: [shocked silence.]
Overshare: She's actually leaving!!
Anonymous: I never thought she'd do it.
Overshare: TSS! She quit! Oh, I am SO getting her job!
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: I am getting her job! Who else could they possibly give it to?

So there you have it, readers. TSS finally, finally quit. After attempting to strong-arm her coworkers into countless "fundraising opportunities", planning parties for her sorority at work, yelling at Overshare about grid lines, conveniently getting "flat-tires" before every major work event... she finally just decided to leave. And now, the war for her job would begin.