He Said, She Said

If there’s one thing I can thank Overshare for (and trust me, it has taken me about two years to come up with this one thing) it’s that she’s made me more aware of how I sound to other people, especially in the area of story telling. I’m very careful now to change things up, because Overshare sure as hell never does.

I swear to you all right here, right now: if Overshare tells the tale of yet another fight with CTF in the “And then he said… and then I said… and he was like…and I was like…” genre I’m going, as one reader suggested, to fake my own death and move to Mexico.

Now that I’ve got you good and prepped, I present yet another CTF and Overshare fight. Enjoy the insanity. The inanity. The sheer “Duh!” factor.

Overshare: CTF and I got into a fight last night.
Anonymous: You’re kidding.
Overshare: No. Why would I be kidding?

Sidenote #1: I wish Overshare would at least make these experiences somewhat enjoyable for me. Like, you know, picking up on my sarcasm. But she doesn’t.

Overshare: Anyway… I went to Skank Bar and there was this new girl there, Anonymous.
Anonymous: Wait… a NEW girl?
Overshare: See what I mean? You can’t believe it either!
Anonymous: A different girl from Swedish Nanny?
Overshare: YES! That’s what I’m saying!

Sidenote #2: Do we live in Bizarro World? Cause seriously. I know that most of you have not seen CTF and can’t really picture what he looks like… some of you have though. I will say this, and I hope you’ll take me at my word on this. CTF is IN NO WAY attractive. He’s not “fine” in a burly bouncer kind of way. He’s not “cute” in that pedophile kind of way.** He’s not even “oh, he has a great personality.” He’s just… gross. Gross, I tell you.

Why in the WORLD does he have women licking the soles of his feet to be with him? We’re talking “I’d rather date Steve Buscemi”, here people.

Because at least Steve Buscemi is a kick-ass actor.

Anonymous: So… let me guess. You and CTF fought about the New Girl.
Overshare, actually sounding chipper about it: Of course!
Anonymous: [Silence. I don’t need to persuade her to share… this story is coming whether I say something or not.]
Overshare: So I said, “Who the HELL is this?” and he said, “New Girl. New Girl, meet Overshare.”
Anonymous: [Silence.]
Overshare: So the New Girl had the audacity to say, “Who the HELL is this??” and I turned to her and said… guess, what I said.
Anonymous: I’m afraid I could never do it justice.
Overshare: I said, “Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just the ex-girlfriend, current best-friend, basically your worst nightmare.” Isn’t that an awesome thing to say?

Sidenote #3: I don’t know what breaks my heart more… the fact that she’s obviously practiced what she would say should this conversation ever take place, the fact that she’s so frickin’ proud of her own wittiness, or the fact that she cares so much about such a loser that she can’t see the pathetic-ness of her so-called "witty" comment.

Anonymous: Hmmm.
Overshare: So then I said, “CTF, just get your new ho into the bar so we can talk.” And he said, “Ok.”
Anonymous: HE SAID “OK?????”
Overshare: Isn’t that awesome?!?
Anonymous: Not if you’re New Girl, it’s not.
Overshare: Whatever. So then I said, “What’s with the New Girl?” and he said, “Oh, she’s just filler. Since you won’t date me still.” Isn’t that sweet?
Anonymous, whispering to herself: On Bizarro World, maybe.
Overshare: Huh? Whatever. So then I said, “Just face it. We’re never going to date again. Ever. For now. Until Swedish Nanny leaves the country.”

Never. Ever. For Now. Until Swedish Nanny leaves the country.

Oh. My. Damn.

** Please, please, please tell me you caught the sarcasm.