Read At Your Own Risk

I’ve been delaying writing this one because… well… it was a rather traumatic overshare for me. This, dear readers, is the TMI story that was the catalyst to this blog.

There came a time in the past year when almost all of Overshare’s victims here at work were all out of town, all attending the same conference together. There was just little old me, a few of our accountants, Overshare, and some IT guys still around.

How did Overshare handle it? By telling the overshare to end all overshares, obviously, to the only person available. She came into my office and shut the door.

Overshare: I am so mad at CTF that I can barely speak.
Anonymous, doubting that: What happened?
Overshare: We had a date last night, and things were fantastic. We went to dinner at Swanky New Restaurant and then we ended up at one of those little county fairs… rode the Ferris wheel, he won me a prize. It was like a fairytale.
Anonymous, who’s never heard a fairy tale involving a pedophilic bouncer: Didn’t it end well?
Overshare: Well, we’re lying in his bed, enjoying the afterglow, when he decides he wants to play the Ratings Game.

It just doesn’t sound good, does it? Not even knowing what it is exactly, the very name of the game doesn’t sound like an enjoyable “afterglow” activity. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

Anonymous: Ratings Game? What’s that?
Overshare: You know, the game where you can ask your partner to rate anything about you on a scale of 1 to 10 and they have to be 100% honest.

Yep, just like I thought. Not a fun game.

Anonymous: That just sounds like a bad idea.
Overshare: Usually, it’s really fun.
Anonymous: Really?
Overshare: Really. Anyway, so we start off and at first, CTF does really well. I ask him to rate my looks; he says I’m a ten.

At this point in the story, She Who Haikus usually busts in with a “So, obviously we know CTF’s rating system is broken.”

Overshare: I gave him an 8 for looks. Then I ask about personality; he gives me another 10. So far, so good, right?
Anonymous: Uhhhh… Sure.
Overshare: So instead of asking for his personality rating back [she says this like it’s supposed to be a given] he asks me to rate his sexual performance.

It is at this point that I realize I’m about to hear something I can’t unhear. This is going to be life altering, and the freight train is coming. There’s no way to stop her—I can’t send an emergency email to Witty Comeback, there is no hope of my boss walking in, there are no meetings I can make up. Everyone is gone. We’re going there whether I like it or not. I do the only thing I can do: I stop responding. It doesn’t help.

Anonymous: [silence]
Overshare: So I give him a nine—I say it’s a solid nine and that the only thing that takes the one point away is that we haven’t orgasmed together yet.
Anonymous: [silence]
Overshare: So, I ask him to rate my performance. You know what the Asshat said?
Anonymous: [silence]
Overshare: He had the nerve to say a seven! A seven!! And then, without me even asking, he rates my blowjob performance a six!! Can you believe that?
Anonymous: [silence, feigns interest in a pencil on desk]
Overshare: So I got mad, and told him more than one guy has complimented me on my bj technique. You know what he said? You know what he said??
Anonymous: [silence]
Overshare: He said, and I quote: “Well, I guess I’ve just had better.”
Anonymous: [chokes]
Overshare: Here, let me see that pencil…

I kid you not, folks. She grabbed the pencil from my desk. I almost started to cry. She began to demonstrate her technique on the pencil. I shall spare you the sordid details, but let’s just say that Anonymous Coworker received a very detailed explanation of hand placement and tongue use, among other things.

Overshare, not sorry at all: Wow. Sorry I unloaded like that. I just can’t believe he said six! I think that deserves WAAY more than a six!!
Anonymous: [silence]
Overshare: Well… I’ve taken up most of your morning. Wanna have lunch?

When my coworkers came back the next week, I made them all buy me a drink at the next happy hour, for taking that one for the team. I still have nightmares, most featuring her reaching out, in slow motion... Here...let me see that pencil.

[Shudders]