Because Why Should They Stop at Bail?

Overshare: Well, I FINALLY decided what to buy CTF for his birthday. After MUCH debate.

Might I suggest this? It does combine two odditites into one!

Oh no. A small, quirky gift recalling a private joke? That's simply too mundane for Overshare to give her non-boyfriend bouncer sex partner/best friend!! (Who, I'd like to remind everyone, once gave her a used pair of men's rollerskates.)

Overshare: Yeah, I decided to give him a cell phone.
Anonymous: A CELL PHONE??!
Overshare: Yeah... he hasn't had one in years because he never used to pay the bill and it got shut off. And it's just SO HARD to reach him sometimes! So I figured a cell phone would take care of that!
Anonymous: What makes you think he'll pay the bill now?
Overshare: Oh, well... I'm just going to add him to my plan so I don't have to worry about it.
Anonymous: So you're going to be paying for his service too? That's quite a birthday gift.
Overshare: That's the best part! Technically, my parents pay for my service-- they gave me a phone for Christmas and said they'd pay for the service for two years. So I'm just adding him to that!

The Joys of a 30-Day Return Policy

I have a friend who is consistently hit on by an inordinate amount of cab drivers, who all decide to use their time while driving her to her location grilling her about her dating status in a misguided attempt to either A.) set her up with their son/cousin/nephew/best friend's son's best friend or B.) convince her to go on a date with the cab driver himself. Like most women who find themselves in these situations, she eventually began to tell the cab drivers when it became obvious that they were going to go one of those two routes (usually beginning with the dreaded "So... meeting your boyfriend?" feeler question) that yes, indeed she was meeting her boyfriend, who just so happened to be a huge former rugby player who now is a high-powered lawyer dealing in sexual harassment cases, mostly, why do you ask?

But then, she found something even better, completely by chance one day: wearing a ring (ANY ring) on her ring finger of her left hand generally made the cab driver not even ask about her dating status. She went online, looked around and found a nice, tasteful, absolutely fake engagement ring that she put in her purse and only takes it out to wear when riding in a cab. Problem solved.

This friend is NOT Overshare. Oh no.

Overshare: Oh my GAWD, Anonymous!! LOOK!! [Shoves left hand in my face.]
Anonymous: [chokes] Please, please, PLEASE tell me that's not an engagement ring.

This wasn't just any engagement ring, either. No. It was mammoth. HUGE. Remember that big yellow diamond that Ben Affleck bought Jennifer Lopez when they were caught up in the throws of the dreaded Bennifer public relations circus? Overshare's ring was that ring's wicked stepsister.

Overshare: Isn't it BEAUTIFUL??!?!
Anonymous: No, seriously-- please tell me that's not an engagement ring.
Overshare: I love it SO much! [Shakes left hand in my face again.]
Anonymous: You DID NOT agree to marry CTF. You didn't.
Overshare: Are you EVEN kidding?? Of COURSE I didn't!
Anonymous: So what's with the ring?
Overshare: Oh, CTF and I decided to go ring shopping, just for kicks.
Anonymous: Really?
Overshare: Yeah! It was so fun! We went to that Diamond Outlet over in Suburbia. We totally acted like we were getting engaged! We acted like we were completely poor and couldn't really afford anything... the salesman felt so bad, he gave us a GREAT deal on this cubic zirconia one... so CTF totally decided to buy it! And then he got down on one knee and fake-proposed right there in the store! It was hilarious!
Anonymous: So, technically, you DID agree to marry him?
Overshare: Well, as a JOKE, not like for real or anything!
Anonymous: Of course not.
Overshare: It doesn't really matter anyway. CTF is going to take it back this week and tell the salesman that we broke up. I just wanted to wear it one more time.