The End(ish) of the Promotion Drama

Sorry for the delay in posting... I have no excuses, really, other than my non-anonymous life has been uncharacteristically hectic and I battled a brief period of writer's block.

I could cry you a river, I know.

So after a month or two of careful debate by Boss Man, which of course meant two months of having more of my favorite Overshare vs. Smoking-Know-It-All office battles, he finally came to a decision.

He promoted Overshare.

Oh yes, you read correctly. The "Let's Talk Discharge (DISCHARGE!)" oversharing bane of my work existence was actually PROMOTED.

As in, got a better job and a pay raise. Even though she tells grossly inappropriate stories and has a back-story that would make even Maury Povich shake his head and say "Damn, girl. What kind of crazy are you?"

She didn't even let the ink dry on her new contract before she moved her stuff into her new office. And Smoking Know It All? Oh, she wigged. She wigged right the hell out.

Now her little involuntary-confinement pow-wows were held all the live-long day, and she was throwing all kinds of accusations out against the company. Age-ism. They looked at her medical history and turned her down because of a past mental breakdown. She was simply too GOOD at her current job, and her boss had basically FIST FOUGHT Boss Man over her. You know, the standards.

And what did Overshare think of all of this?

Oh, nothing. She had much more important things to worry about.

Like, say... hiring her new assistant.

Oh, I said it. Hiring. Her. Assistant.

Does the very idea strike fear into your heart?

Things actually got even better from there. Overshare convinced Boss Man to restructure a little bit... meaning her new assistant would actually report to TWO people.

Overshare and Toolshed.

Can you even imagine the annual review those two would lead?

Did Satisfaction Really Ever Bring the Cat Back?

There's this special breed of Overshare that I like to call the All-Day Oddity.

The All-Day Oddity is one of those overshares that lasts the entire workday, usually around an event that will be taking place once work is over, which Overshare simply cannot keep herself from talking about incessantly to everyone in our entire company. But ever since Wyoming came to work here, these happen more and more frequently, and on a weird level, her presence has made the All-Day Oddities more annoying for the fact that they're no longer shared directly. Oh no, we're forced to hear Overshare talk about it to Wyoming all day long in a loud voice, instead of enduring fifteen minutes in our office at a reasonable volume. And it seems that I've now become so inoculated to the oversharing that I actually prefer to hear them straight from her. Implausible, ridiculous, insane but true.

Heaven help us all.

The best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) example of the All-Day Oddity happened a few months back, when Overshare and Wyoming came into work already talking about the Oddity. There's nothing like hearing a sound bite of your day-long soundtrack before you've even started the engine on the coffee maker.

Overshare, holding the door open for Wyoming: I wonder what it could be!
Wyoming: Who knows, with CTF it could be anything!
Overshare: It's heavy.
Wyoming: That's what he said.
Overshare: What's so heavy that he can't carry it?
Wyoming: That's the mystery.

You may be asking yourself: "What exactly were Anonymous Coworker's thoughts during this exchange?" I believe it went something like: Oh dear God, please not that. Not a MYSTERY! It's like an All-Day Oddity on crack!

Every ten minutes or so, Overshare would walk by my office on her way to talk with Wyoming. Or vice versa.

Overshare: It's killing me!
Wyoming: Me too!
Overshare: Why is he being so cryptic?
Wyoming: Well, that's CTF for you.

(Ten minutes pass.)

Wyoming: Maybe we're going to a movie?
Overshare: He said it was heavy.
Wyoming: Hmm. It's definitely something then.
Overshare: Yes.

(Ten minutes pass.)

Overshare: Okay, what exactly did he say??
Wyoming: I already TOLD you. He said to come by after work because he had something heavy for us.
Overshare: That's it?
Wyoming: That's it.
Overshare: Heavy.
Wyoming: Heavy.

(Ten glorious minutes of silence pass too quickly.)

Overshare: Too heavy?
Wyoming: Yeah, too heavy to take home himself.
Overshare: Huh.

Dear God,
Why did you make the work day 8 hours long when you knew I'd someday have to endure this?
Love, Anonymous

But really and truly, the absolute WORST part of the All-Day Oddity is that there is no resolution to be found. Whatever it is that is consuming their entire day of conversation isn't going to happen until work is over, which means I am then left with just two options:

Option A.) I can endure 8 hours of hearing about something dressed up in as much intrigue as humanly possible only to never know the outcome.

Option B.) I can ask what happened the next day during work, thus bringing upon myself another hour or two wasted to the oversharing that is sure to result as well as giving the impression that I'm actually interested in these things and therefore want to hear more about them when they happen.

Forgive me, but I don't really find either of these options appealing. More often than not though, I admit to choosing Option B, for the simple facts that I like stories that have conclusions and also that I write this blog.

So, the day after All-Day Oddity: The Heavy Conversations I chose Option B. When I saw Overshare and Wyoming the next morning, I braced myself for the worst and asked.

Anonymous: So, did you find out what that heavy stuff CTF had for you was?
Overshare: Oh. My. God.
Anonymous: What?
Wyoming: CTF is such a freaking ROCK STAR.
[Wyoming and Overshare break into hysterical laughter.]
Anonymous: Okay...
Overshare: [Launches into a long, completely unnecessary recap of The Heavy Conversations before finally getting to the point.] ...So we drove over to Skank Bar after work, and CTF brought out this stuff. You'll never guess what it was.
Anonymous: Something heavy?
Overshare: A pair of roller derby skates!
Anonymous: Huh?
Wyoming: Oh, that's not all!
Overshare: And two pairs of men's hockey skates! Used!
Anonymous: Why?
Wyoming: Wait, wait!! That's not all!!
Overshare: And a bowling ball! With a skull and cross bones on it! And flames! And someone else's initials!
Anonymous: Errr...
Overshare and Wyoming: Isn't that awesome??
Anonymous: But why? Why did he get all of that random stuff?
Wyoming: Because he's a ROCK STAR, that's why!!