So... Guns at Twenty Paces or the Joust?

One day, I noticed that Overshare kept walking past my office. More than normal. And she wasn’t stopping by to overshare, either. Finally, towards the end of the day, I ran into her in the hallway outside my office.

Anonymous: What have you been doing all day?
Overshare: What do you mean?
Anonymous: Why have you been walking by my office all day?
Overshare: Shhh…. TSS will hear you. [half-pushes, half-herds me into my own office and shuts the door.] I’m spying on TSS.
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: I’m spying on TSS.
Anonymous: Why?
Overshare: Because I’ve heard her on the phone the past few days, planning a party for her sorority.
Anonymous: Really?
Overshare: Yeah, and she got a fax too, from the restaurant downstairs.
Anonymous: Why there? She lives an hour away!
Overshare: I know, I can’t explain the logic either.

Need I say anything about how much I wanted to breakdown at that moment? The very idea that Overshare has any ground to questions someone else’s logic… it’s enough to give me a cramp in my side from laughing.

Overshare: So I’ve been walking by her office every half hour or so—she’s totally working on this party! All day long!! I can’t believe it.

This from the woman who waited to call the police until the day after a confrontation with Swedish Nanny because she knew it’d be slow at work.

Overshare: I’m going to start documenting all of this stuff, so that I can show Boss Man.

And that, dear friends, is the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down. Forget applying for a promotion, forget trying to make the best of things, oh no. I think that, if there’s one thing we can say about Overshare, it’s that she never, ever, does things the easy way.

Mar-ar-arried

Anonymous: Wasn’t this the weekend of your friend’s wedding?
Overshare: Yep!
Anonymous: How did it go?
Overshare: Oh, it was fantastic. CTF and I had such a great time. I just love weddings—I always see all these things that I want to incorporate into my own wedding someday. [big sigh]
Anonymous: Yeah.
Overshare: CTF and I decided that flowers are going to be our number one budget item. It’s just not a wedding without flowers.
Anonymous: You discussed your wedding?
Overshare: Yeah, while we were dancing. Right before my mom interrupted us.
Anonymous: Why did your mom interrupt you?
Overshare: Oh, she said we were being inappropriate or some such.

Oh dear Lord. This is one of those few times when I wish Overshare would actually have shared more. Oh how I wanted to ask exactly why her mom thought she was being inappropriate, but I also knew that those kinds of questions would only lead to more oversharing of the sort that makes me want to stab myself in the ear. For the sake of my eardrums, I let it slide.

Anonymous: Yeah… so I take it everything went well with his parole officer?
Overshare, obviously irritated: It’s his probation officer, not his parole officer.

That misstatement was obviously my fault. I can understand why she’d be so irritated.

Anonymous: Sorry.
Overshare: Yes, it all worked out. I got him a train ticket down and back on Sunday afternoon.
Anonymous: So you drove back this morning for work?
Overshare: Oh no. We drove down Sunday night.
Anonymous: Wait. He trained down here for a three-hour meeting, trained back up for a few hours and then drove home with you?
Overshare: Yeah. Why?
Anonymous: Seems complicated. Why didn’t he just stay down here—the wedding was already over, right?
Overshare: Yes, the wedding was over, but it’s the principle of the matter, Anonymous. He promised me the whole weekend. I deserved the whole weekend.

...And We're Gonna Get...

A month or so after the conversation from my last post, I had a serious longing for some chocolate. Like, a full blown I-don’t-know-how-I’ll-finish-working-if-I-don’t-have-chocolate RIGHT NOW jonesing.

Anonymous: Overshare, you don’t happen to have any chocolate, do you? I’m desperate.
Overshare: Here. [Hands me a large basket of candy, complete with green plastic grass.]
Anonymous: Wait, what’s all this?
Overshare: CTF’s Easter Basket.
Anonymous: Easter was over a week ago; why do you still have this?
Overshare: CTF never picked it up.
Anonymous: Oh. [Unwraps some chocolate.] Here you go.
Overshare: Keep it.
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: Keep it.
Anonymous: Aren’t you going to give it to CTF?
Overshare: Not now.
Anonymous: Why?
Overshare: Remember that wedding I invited CTF to?
Anonymous: Yeah…
Overshare: Well, he asked for the time off and got it.
Anonymous: Doesn’t that earn him some candy?
Overshare: Yes, except that he “just found out” that he actually has to meet with his parole officer this weekend.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: So NOW I’m pissed. It was supposed to be a whole weekend, Anonymous! And NOW he has to meet with his stupid parole officer, so I’m killing myself trying to figure out how in the hell I’m going to get him back here for three hours on Sunday.
Anonymous: WHAT?
Overshare: I’m looking at bus tickets, train tickets, plane tickets, renting a car… trying to figure what’s the cheapest way to go, because I don’t have a lot of money to spend.
Anonymous: You are paying?
Overshare: Yeah.
Anonymous: YOU are paying for CTF to get home for three hours to meet with his parole officer?
Overshare: Well, yeah. After all, I’m the one who invited him to the wedding in the first place.
Anonymous: I don’t see how that means you have to pay for his travel.
Overshare: Well, it might not even work out.
Anonymous: Then what will you do?
Overshare: Stay home.
Anonymous: You won’t go at all?
Overshare: How could I possibly go without him? Especially since I RSVP'd for two and made this huge deal about how he was coming along?
Anonymous: Er…

Easily?

Overshare: No, no, no. This just has to work out.

At this point, I'm still standing in her office and holding what I now realize is a garish Easter Basket.

Anonymous: What do you want me to do with this?
Overshare: Oh, I don't know. Just pass it around the office, I guess.

Going to the Chapel...

Overshare: I got invited to a friend’s wedding in a different state.
Anonymous: That sounds fun!

At the time that this conversation took place I was attempting the unsuccessful and ill-advised tactic of encouraging Overshare to talk to me, but only about subjects other than CTF. My hope was that, if encouraged over other conversation topics, she would not feel the need to discuss CTF. So if she mentioned the Felon, I would “appear” disinterested and busy, but when she talked of something else, I would smile and engage.

She never noticed.

Ever.

Overshare: We’ve been friends since elementary school.
Anonymous: Wow. I don’t think I’ve talked to anyone from my elementary school since high school graduation!
Overshare: Her mom and my mom were best friends, so we’ve always kept in touch.
Anonymous: That’s cool. Are you going to go to the wedding?
Overshare: Well, CTF has to work.

God forbid she attend her good friend’s wedding without CTF, who is not actually her boyfriend. (I just thought I'd remind you all of that fact since it can be easy to forget, what with all the sex!)

That’s just crazy-talk.

Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah. It just wouldn’t be a wedding without him.

Yep. I’m sure that’s what the bride thinks, too.

Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: He said he’s going to try and take off of work.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: I hope he can.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: I couldn’t possibly go without him
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah… definitely not. I guess technically I’m not even supposed to bring a guest, because there’s no “and guest” on the invitation. I’m sure she won’t mind though, since we’ve been good friends for so long.

If it were me, I’d mind. I would. So. Very. Mind.

And not just because he’s a sex offender who is using my good friend for sex, either.

Complex Shagging

Just for fun, here are some of the latest search phrases that have lead people to this blog:

What makes a man stop calling after sex

Wife share

Discussing coworker salaries

Daisy Duke Birthday Party

Coworker cubicle slamming doors

I wonder if whoever googled “Daisy Duke Birthday Party” decided for or against having one for themselves after reading our thoughts on the subject…

Overshare: Guess what I did this weekend.
Anonymous: Got drunk?
Overshare: Obviously.

Sidenote: I’m giving every single one of you (even those I don’t know, though it’s going to be harder for you to enforce) the permission to slap me without warning should ever my answer to “Got drunk?” ever come close to resembling “Obviously.” Clearly, I would have a drinking problem and would require a good smack to the face.

Anonymous: Obviously.
Overshare: Buuuuutttt…
Anonymous: There’s more?
Overshare, enthusiastically: Of course there’s more!
Anonymous, far less enthusiastically: Of course there’s more.
Overshare: Well, see… Wyoming’s and my new apartment complex threw a party in the recreation room on Saturday night.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah, open bar so of course we were there!
Anonymous: Your apartment complex threw an open bar party?
Overshare: Well, either that or the bartender liked us so much he didn’t charge us!
Anonymous: Ahhh.
Overshare: So there was the really, really hot guy there.
Anonymous: Hmm.
Overshare: I mean REALLY hot.
Anonymous: Yep.
Overshare: So I walked up to him, and asked if he liked me.
Anonymous: Wait, just like that?
Overshare: Of course!

Again with the confidence. It’s mind-boggling.

Anonymous: Of course.
Overshare: So, he said he did—and then he grabbed my ass! Right there in front of everyone!
Anonymous: What did you do?
Overshare: Grabbed his.
Anonymous: Of course.
Overshare: Anyway, yadda yadda… I took him home with me!
Anonymous: Because that’s what you do with guys you just met.
Overshare: He was amazing. Absolutely amazing… but now I’m confused.
Anonymous: Confused?
Overshare: Yeah… because Sunday morning, when he woke up… he grabbed his clothes and said he was going to take a look at my dishwasher before he left.

Yeah, I'd be confused too.

Anonymous: Huh?
Overshare: Well…
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: It turns out that he is the handyman for the apartment complex!
Anonymous: Oh. Wait, so why are you still confused?
Overshare: Well, I can’t remember if he told me he was a handyman and I slept with him anyway, or if he never told me and I should be mad at him about that.

Can You Get That At The Duty-Free?

I’m Baaaaaa-aaaccckkkkk!!! Did you miss me?

Boss Man recently had to travel for work. It’s a rare occasion, but there was no getting out of this particular trip. To say that Boss Man wasn’t exactly looking forward to it is an understatement, and who can blame him because, really, going to Paris for free when the weather is gorgeous must be trying. Spending that per diem can be a stressful thing, you know?

Boss Man, loudly, while standing in the office common area: Anyone want me to bring them anything back from France?

Now, most of my office was silent at this point. After a few moments, there’s a couple of “Oh, a bottle of wine would be nice…” from some of the other senior-level execs, but we, the peons? We say nothing.

Except for Overshare, that is.

Overshare: Yeah, bring me back a gorgeous French man!!

Oi vey.

Boss Man: Excuse me?
Overshare, kind of growling: A FIIIINNNNE French Man!!
Boss Man: Er…
Overshare: Oh come on, Boss Man! You’re supposed to be helping us out!