The One with the Voicemails

I know, I KNOW! I’ve been gone so long!! I didn’t mean to abandon the blog… I guess I just hit a mental roadblock. But fear not, faithful readers, there are still stories to share, and I’m feeling the mojo again. Thanks to all of you who emailed and asked if I was dead, or perhaps in prison awaiting trial for killing a coworker. For the record, I am neither.

Overshare: I’m totally going to go see a movie with CTF tonight. It’s like the first time in weeks! We’ve mostly been spending our nights in. I’m so ready to DO something!
Anonymous: Hmm.
Overshare: Yeah, it’s going to be great. A movie!
Anonymous: [Silence.]
Overshare: [Cell phone rings] Oh, one sec. [Checks phone.] It’s CTF! [Answers cell phone.]

Yes, she answered her cell phone in my office. Because, you know, why wouldn’t I want to hear all the details about their upcoming date?

Overshare: Hey, sweetie-cutie-pie-pie.

And YES, she really did call him that. The double “pie” and everything. You’re not alone—it made me vomit in my mouth a little too.

Overshare: Oh? Why can’t you do the later movie? You always like the later movies… oh… well, I kinda promised Wyoming I would drive her out to the Boondocks tonight before our movie, and since I’ve bailed on her a lot recently it wouldn’t be very wise… wait! You seriously can’t GO?? WHY CAN’T YOU GO?!!?!? WE’VE PLANNED THIS FOR WEEKS! [Long silence.] WHAT PAPER WORK?... PAPER WORK?... PAPER! WORK?!

Apparently, CTF can’t go to a late movie because he was “paper work” to do. You tell me… exactly how much paperwork do you think a bouncer has?

Overshare: FINE. WHATEVER. [Hangs up, storms out of my office without a word.]

I thought that would be the end of this particular overshare. Little did I know there would be a sequel waiting for me the next morning… Literally. As in, Overshare was sitting in my office the next morning, waiting for me.

Overshare: You WILL NOT BELIEVE the night I had last night.
Anonymous: No, I probably won’t.
Overshare: So, remember how he cancelled on me to do “paperwork?”
Anonymous: Vaguely.
Overshare: So, check this… I dropped Wyoming off out in the Boondocks last night, and got a little lost on my way home… so the next thing I know, I realize that I’m actually really close to CTF’s house.

Reality Check: Anyone believe her story so far? Yeah, me neither.

Anonymous: Convenient.
Overshare: Yeah. So, I realized that CTF had left some stuff in my car from our little trip a couple of weeks ago, and thought I’d do the nice thing and drop them off… since I was in the area and all.
Anonymous: Right.
Overshare: So I call CTF: no answer. I call him again, because he’s only supposed to be doing paperwork, right? Again, no answer. So then I call the home phone, and his dad picked up… and would you even BELIEVE what he told me?
Anonymous: Uhh…. That CTF wasn’t around?
Overshare: EXACTLY!
Anonymous: So then what?
Overshare: I call his cell phone AGAIN, and this time I leave a really irate message. REALLY IRATE. And he doesn’t call me back!
Anonymous: Wow.
Overshare: Yeah. But then, about an hour later… I started to feel really bad, because, you know, maybe he ran out to grab something to eat or something… so I hacked into his voicemail to delete the message.

Wait a second… doesn’t this sound vaguely reminiscent of a Friends episode? You know, where Monica calls Richard and leaves the “breezy” voicemail (“Breezy… I’m BREEZY!”) only to regret it, then tries to hack in to delete it…

Overshare: But then, I listened to his other messages, which included one from this chick JULIE, wondering where he was because SHE was at the movie theater, WAITING FOR HIM!
Anonymous: Wow… so what did you do?
Overshare: I deleted HER message and left mine.
Anonymous: That’s horrible.
Overshare: Whatever. I own the damn phone anyway.

My favorite part of the whole thing? Clearly, CTF was trying to set up a multiple date situation that night... attempted to move Overshare to an early movie so he could see Julie later. I wonder if Overshare ever caught on to that.

And finally, a Private Message to an Unknown Googler:
Seriously, take my advice: googling something like “Dylan & Cole Sprouse LATE BLOOMERS!!!!! SEX!” is only going to get you on an FBI watch list or something. Because… just… ew. Knock it off. Do you really want to end up meeting Chris Hansen in a well-lit kitchen someday?