Join Overshare and her cast of crazy characters as she tells all, bares all...
Monday, November 28, 2005
He Lives Where?
Sorry for the long delay-- I was out of town. I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!
Overshare: My roommates hate me. Anonymous, feeling sorry for the roommates already: Why? Overshare: They think CTB's over too much. Anonymous: Well, how much is he over? Overshare: Last week we had sex six times, which means, what? Four nights? That's not too much! Anonymous, trying not to choke: It's more than half the week. Overshare: Well what are we supposed to do? He lives with his parents! We can't do it there! Anonymous: I thought he was 34. Overshare, confused: He is. Anonymous: Why does he live with his parents? Overshare: Never asked. Anonymous: You've never asked? Overshare: No! It's a nice house!
I promise that there's more to come on the Overshare/CTB drama. Have no fear. That said, enjoy this brief interlude:
Overshare, as she walks into my office: Don't you just hate summer? Anonymous: I actually like summer. A lot. Overshare: Well, I guess it's ok. I just hate the fact that I spend all summer feeling so gross. Anonymous: I guess that's true. It can get pretty humid. Overshare: I just sweat so much! Especially between my legs when I wear skirts.
(Awkward pause. Overshare fans her skirt around herself a few times in silence.)
About three weeks after Overshare met Chris The Bouncer, I had just stepped into my office one Friday morning, excited for the final day of the week, logging into my computer, compiling a mental "To Do Before the Weekend" list when my day was completely derailed by Overshare.
Overshare: I need a favor. Anonymous: What kind of favor? Overshare: Do you know anything about public records? Anonymous, whose job revolves around public records: Yes. Why? Overshare: Say you were looking for a birth announcement or something, would you be able to find out who the father is? Anonymous (who actually gets excited about this stuff), without thinking: Well, that all depends. If the mother listed the father on the birth certificate and the birth happened long ago enough for public records databases to record the information... wait. Why do you need to know? Overshare, whispering: Because CTB has a daughter, I know it. Anonymous: How do you know? Overshare, still whispering: Because last night, we were out drinking and CTB passed out at the bar while he was trying to pay and his wallet spilled all over the floor. So I picked everything up and paid while the bouncer took CTB outside. One of the sheets of paper, like a receipt or something, had a girl's name on it, a date, and the height and weight. Anonymous: Did you ask CTB about it? Overshare: Why would I do that? Anonymous, naively: Because it could be a niece or something. Overshare: It's with his ex-fiance, I know it. Anonymous: He has an ex-fiance? Overshare: Oh yeah. In the Midwest somewhere. So, can you find out for me? Anonymous: I don't think I'll have time today. Overshare: Can you tell me where to look? Anonymous, trying to count how many ethics violations helping her would be while thinking of an excuse: Er.....
Thank goodness that at that moment my boss came into my office, frantic, with an assignment for me. Overshare ducked out.
Later in the day, she came in again, this time with a ton of information.
Overshare: It's true. He has a kid. Anonymous: You found the information? Overshare: Yep! The baby was born four weeks ago. Wanna know what else I found out? Anonymous, not really wanting to know but not knowing how to say so: What? Overshare: He's not 25. Anonymous, slightly scandalized despite herself: No way! How old is he? Overshare, obviously pausing for dramatic effect: 34.
Screeeeech to a halt there, friends. Who here believes that a 34-year-old man could pass as 25? Overshare had no clue? No idea that her man may be a wee bit older than he said? Maybe a few movie stars could pull it off (Brad Pitt comes to mind), but never forget what I like to call the 90210 Factor: While we were all willing to suspend disbelief for the sake of the show, who really believed that Ian Ziering was a high school student? Answer: No one.
As a mid-twenties woman who has dated more than one 34-year-old man (two, to be exact) I will give you that maybe at first glance, in a dark room, when you've been drinking, 34 could look like 25. If you squint. But after three weeks of dating? No sirree, Bob. I'm not buying it. Anyway, back to the story.
Anonymous: Are you going to ask him about it? Overshare: About what-- the baby or the age thing? Anonymous: Either. Overshare: Definitely the age thing. I've slept with an old man now. That's gross.
Nice priorities she has. Never mind that he had a baby, with another woman, just one week before they started dating and all the ramifications that will have on his life (child support, a living human being calling him "Dad", an ex-fiance/baby momma, etc.). Never mind the fact that he drank himself blind and passed out in a bar (can anyone say Drinking Problem?) and focus on the fact that you've slept with someone who lied about his age. Cause that's the Big Picture problem here.
One day I was feeling a little disconnected at work, and Witty Comeback was out of the office for the day, so I went to sit inside Overshare's cubicle for a few minutes. Big mistake.
Anonymous: How are you? Overshare: Fine, just fine. How was your weekend? Anonymous: Really good. I went and saw a movie, had some dinner with friends, really laid back. I really liked the movie; it was... Overshare: CTB and I are getting tested tomorrow so we can stop using condoms.
No joke, she interrupted my movie comment to tell me that, out of the blue.
Anonymous: Er... Overshare: What kind of birth control do you use? Anonymous: Er.... Overshare: Cause I'm really prone to side effects, and I can't decide which one to use. I'm thinking of an IUD. Have you ever had one? Anonymous: Er... Overshare: But apparently they can cause heavy cramping if you haven't had kids yet. Have you heard that? Anonymous: Well, yes I have heard... you know, I think I hear my phone ringing. Overshare, calling out as I walk away: I'll let you know how the testing goes!
