Birthday Tantrums

Birthdays in my office are, in my humble opinion, over-celebrated. A card, a bazillion emails, lunch at a restaurant and cake and ice cream later back in the office just seems like a whole bunch for people who really are only in each other's lives beacuse they were hired by the same company. I don't mean to sound like the Birthday Grinch, because I'm not really: I love birthdays. Maybe it's just that I think a much better celebration would be to give the Birthday Person the day off instead of making them attend to normal work in between long lunches and the lingering threat/anticipation of the phone call from their boss that is going to lead them into a "surprise" birthday party.

Usually the lunch portion of the day is coordinated by whoever is the closest friend of the Birthday Person. For years, then, this meant that Witty Comeback was in charge when my birthday came around. Alas, not this year. No. This year, my birthday celebrations fell into the hands of none other than Overshare herself. I realized then that this whole process was rather, how shall I say, unstructured. Because Lord knows I wouldn't choose Overshare for this job if she were my last option available. I'd take a pay cut first.

For weeks, I endured conversations like:

Overshare: So, Anonymous, where do you want to have lunch on your birthday?
Anonymous: Well...
Overshare: You'd better start thinking!

or

Overshare: So, Anonymous, where do you want to have lunch on your birthday?
Anonymous: I was thinking that a lunch wasn't really necessary...
Overshare: Of course it's necessary!

or

Overshare: So, Anonymous, where do you want to have lunch on your birthday?
Anonymous: I was thinking of...
Overshare: Oh, I know the perfect place! What kind of cake do you want?
Anonymous: Well...
Overshare: You'd better start thinking about it! Your birthday is just two weeks away! Sheez!

So finally, my birthday came around. FINALLY.

A group of us (more her friends than mine, p.s.) all went to the restaurant that Overshare hand-picked. Lucky, lucky me. Once inside, Overshare takes a seat at the far end of the table. I take a seat in the middle, figuring that it's my birthday so I should probably sit somewhere that I at least have a chance to talk to everybody who was so nice as to come celebrate it with me. How silly of me, really. Once we're all seated, the Drama begins.

Overshare: Hmph. [Rolls eyes.] HMMMPPPPHHH.
Anonymous: What's wrong, Overshare?
Overshare, loudly: I planned this whole stupid thing for YOUR birthday. The least you could do is sit by me.
Anonymous: What?
Overshare, much too loudly for a public place: I planned this WHOLE THING and you won't even sit by me!
Anonymous: I just thought I should sit in the mid--
Overshare: Oh, whatever. Let's just order and get this over with.

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birth-day, dear Anon-y-mous...

Anonymous: Do you want us to rearrange?
Overshare: Doesn't matter to me.
Anonymous: Well...
Unreasonably Nice Intern from HR: Here, switch with me, Overshare.

They switch seats. Overshare primly places her napkin in her lap before turning to me and fixing me with a Death Glare.

Overshare: Now, was that so hard?

The Hearing

I have to admit, there are times when I get caught up in the Overshare Drama, and this whole Flask Incident was one of those times… I came into work the day after Overshare took her day off to take CTF to court with a sense of expectancy. What had happened? Would this have snowballed into even more drama, or would it be one of those things that just faded into the background after the initial groundswell?

My questions were met with mystery. There was a cryptic email in my inbox stating to our whole department that Overshare would be coming into the office “when/if she could.”

Drama, it is.

And drama it was, about four hours later when Overshare finally showed up. She walked in the office, straight to my office, closed the door and dropped down into a chair with a huge melodramatic groan.

Overshare: Oh my GAWD, Anonymous!! I don’t know what to do!!!

Am I completely horrible for feeling something very closely related to glee at the idea that this was most definitely Drama with a capital D?

Anonymous: What happened?
Overshare: The attorney said it was going to be easy! A piece of cake, he said!
Anonymous: Well, these things seldom are.
Overshare: ARRRRGGGHHHHH!
Anonymous: Hmm.
Overshare: ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
Anonymous: What happened?
Overshare: I don’t even know where to begin.
Anonymous: Well, how about—
Overshare: First of all, his lawyer didn’t show up.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah. His lawyer didn’t show up!! How could he do that?
Anonymous: Hmm.
Overshare: So, basically, we’re stuck waiting all day in this little tiny room, waiting for him to be called before the judge. We spent all day on the phone, trying to get in touch with his lawyer, but he must have been in a meeting or something, because he wouldn’t pick up his phone.
Anonymous: Hmm.
Overshare: He finally got called at the very, very end of the day! Can you believe they made us wait like that? Who do they think they are?

The more appropriate question here, I think, is who do Overshare and CTF think they are? Because seriously, I doubt that any judge, anywhere, is going to say, “Oh my God, it’s Overshare and Chris the Felon! Let’s make sure they’re not inconvenienced in any way! Move all my cases back!”

Anonymous: But once you finally got in front of the judge—
Overshare: It was even worse!
Anonymous: What happened?
Overshare: Well, the judge asked what happened, the cop explained, then CTF explained… and p.s., the cop totally lied…
Anonymous: Sure.
Overshare: Anyway, after CTF was done explaining how the flask was empty and the cop was just a rogue cop who was jealous that CTF was having fun with a beautiful woman [Overshare flips hair over her shoulder] the judge just said “Hmmm.” How juvenile is that?

Personally, I’m amazed that the judge, the cop, the court stenographer, the prosecuting attorney, and anyone else in the room didn’t burst into laughter. But hey, maybe that’s just me.

Anonymous: Hmmm.
Overshare: Yeah, so then the judge starts flipping through this file folder on his desk, for like, a loooonnngg time. And then he looks up and asks CTF, “Have you been in any other trouble recently, son?”
Anonymous: Uhoh.
Overshare: What do you mean, uhoh? What is that supposed to mean?
Anonymous, completely taken aback: What? I mean, I just, well…

Clearly, I meant that CTF had most definitely been in trouble recently. Just as clearly, Overshare was in no mood to hear such things.

Overshare: Whatever. So CTF said, “No, I haven’t.”
Anonymous: You don’t think the judge was referring to—
Overshare, irrationally: Well, it’s none of the judge’s business, is it? It’s not his jurisdiction!!
Anonymous: Ok.
Overshare: So then the judge, this crazy-ass judge, leans over and says, “Well, well, well… looks like we’ve got a case of amnesia.”

It is at this moment that I wish I had taken the day off to attend the hearing too, because hot damn, this judge may be my new Favorite Person on Planet Earth.

Overshare: He’s crazy! A crazy judge! How do they let crazy people become judges??
Anonymous, trying not to giggle like a crazy person: I do not know.
Overshare: ARRGGHH! So then, he starts to read off all of these offenses that CTF supposedly committed, and I swear, Anonymous, he made half of them up.

Yeah. I’m sure he did. Like there wasn’t enough there to work with already.

Overshare: So then, he leans back into his chair, all superior like and puts his hands together. Then he looks over to the prosecutor and asks, “What’s the max here?” Can you believe that?? The maximum!! And I totally start to freak out, crying. I’m sobbing hysterically, and the judge doesn’t even care! Doesn’t even acknowledge my existence!
Anonymous: Well, he was probably trying to—
Overshare: No! Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare defend him!
Anonymous: Okaaay.
Overshare: So then he sentenced CTF to a $1,000 fine and 30 days in jail! That he wanted him to start serving immediately!
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare, crying now: So they lead CTF away in handcuffs… and I had to reach into his pocket to get his wallet out to pay the fine and everything.
Anonymous: CTF had $1,000 in his wallet?
Overshare: No. $80.
Anonymous: What did you do?
Overshare: Well, I cried for like, ever. And then this cop came over to console me. He was really cute too.
Anonymous: The same cop?
Overshare: Never!
Anonymous: Sorry. Of course not.
Overshare: So I finally got myself together—called his lawyer to tell him, but had to leave a message. Anyway, by the time we got everything settled, it was too late to get him out, so he had to spend the night in jail! I slept in the car outside so I could get him out first thing in the morning, and so that's why I'm late. His parents wired the bail bondsman $100 so CTF could get out of jail while we protest, or whatever that term is—
Anonymous: Appeal?
Overshare: No, I don’t think that’s it. Whatever. And then I called my parents and they wired me the money for all the court fees, attorney fees, etc. It was like $600!
Anonymous: Why didn’t CTF’s parents pay for that?
Overshare: Oh, CTF asked me not to ask them. He was too embarrassed about it.
Anonymous: But how is that fair—
Overshare: That’s not what’s important right now! Can't you see the bigger picture??! CTF's going to JAIL!

I'll Show You Inappropriate. Ok, not really.

To The “Reader” Who Flagged My Blog As “Inappropriate Content” While I Was Away on Vacation:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

May you never be subjected to a horrible coworker whose stories force you to document them on a blog, where you are at the mercy of the Blogspot Gods who will decide whether or not to revoke your one source of comfort in the Oversharing that is your life because ONE reader simply doesn't "get it".

Much love and affection,
Anonymous Coworker

P.S. If you found the content so objectionable, may I ask why you spent three hours reading the entire thing?

Now that that's off my chest, onto the Overshare:

After the Flask Incident, a few weeks went by and I didn’t hear anything more on the subject. I decided to ask. Because, hell. At least this story is actually entertaining.

Anonymous: So, Overshare… what’s happening with that whole CTF/Flask/Court thing?
Overshare: Well, I’m taking the day off tomorrow to drive him down to the courthouse.
Anonymous: You’re taking a day off to take him to his trial?
Overshare: Well, the whole thing was kind of my fault, so I owe him at least that much.
Anonymous: How was the whole thing your fault?
Overshare: Well, you know, it was my idea to go out of town in the first place.

Oh. My. Damn. This had all the signs of CTF turning the whole thing around into being Overshare’s fault. Never mind that HE chose to wear the freaking belt buckle flask in the first place (which, I'd like to point out again, is probably the tackiest thing known to man.) Or that HE chose to pull an attitude with a cop. No, no. Clearly this is all Overshare’s fault because she…gasp!… offered to provide him with a free place to stay for a weekend in a different city! How dare she!

Anonymous: Your fault?
Overshare: Yes. So I’m driving him to his trial. His lawyer says the court in this town is a joke. He’ll just get a small fine, we’ll pay it, we’ll leave. CTF’s already talking about where he wants to have lunch afterwards.
Anonymous: Well, I hope it goes well.
Overshare: Oh, don't worry. How could it not?