Join Overshare and her cast of crazy characters as she tells all, bares all...
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Google Me This
Some of the latest Googles to bring people to this blog have been simply too funny not to share. I hope you laugh as much as I did when I saw them!
How to tell a REAL Couch purse from a fake one Hint #1: If it says COUCH on the label, it's fake.
Super-Secret Spy Flask To go with his (or her) Super-Secret X-Ray Goggles, of course. Who knew James Bond used Google?
My BJ Technique From a college student, no less. Oh, dear. For a split second, I was sure I had been "discovered."
10 Reasons Sleeping with Your Boss is a Bad Idea Ok... was someone looking for a Letterman sketch or something? Or are they really looking for a list to convince them this is a Bad Idea? Because, really?? You need some other reason (or nine) beyond "HE'S YOUR BOSS!!!!"??
How to Remove Clothes Step one: unbutton top button. Step two: unbutton second button.
Cole & Dylan Sprouse: Last Sighting Wow. Just wow.
Secret Buckle Flask And this came from a public school district. Student or teacher, do you think?
HORRIBLE COWORKER IN A SMALL OFFICE First of all, I LOVE that this is in all caps. Like she just. can't. take it. anymore. NOT. ONE. SECOND. Secondly: welcome, friend. Find respite here.
I'll have the update on the Overshare/TSS job next week!
So, TSS resigned and now Overshare was gunning for her job. Did I mention that TSS gave four weeks notice?
Now, I know that your initial reaction is going to be "Well, that's really above and beyond... no one gives four weeks notice. TSS clearly could not be as bad as Anonymous Coworker is making her out to be." That's a normal reaction.
Until you realize that TSS had two and a half weeks of sick time stored up.
My company, like most, adds the monetary equivalent of your unused vacation time onto your last paycheck. They do not, however, do the same with sick time. You just, effectively, lose it. Which, from a business stand-point, makes complete sense because sick time is there for the employee should the need arise. It's not supposed to be guaranteed time out of the office.
Back to TSS-- we all started out the four-week period with that same foolish optimism because as awful as TSS was, her job was still quite influential on all of ours. There were a lot of things that needed to be delegated, explained, etc. before she left. How nice of her to give us so much time with which to work.
Except... the day after she announced? She had a terrible cold so she stayed home.
And then came into the office the next day but spent the whole day talking with her good friend, Security Guard.
Only to be out with a sore throat the day after that.
And the next day? Oh, she came in, but left halfway through the day because she had a headache.
So, suffice it to say that her four weeks of notice really turned into a week and a half sprint to get all of her duties delegated after she magically came down with every possible variation of illness known to man, and even a couple of "Oh, I got a flat tire" excuses for good measure. And all during those four weeks... Overshare decided to spend her time discussing her promotion strategy with me.
Overshare: Boss Man simply HAS to give me the job. Anonymous: Well, TSS had a lot of experience, how do you know he won't be looking for that again? Overshare: Because I'm right here, obviously. There's no way he's giving this job to someone else. Anonymous: Obviously. Overshare: Hey, would you review my resume?
One day, about two weeks before TSS was to leave, Witty Comeback came into my office as soon as Overshare was leaving it, having just handed me her resume to review.
Witty Comeback, shutting my door: We have to talk. Anonymous: What's up? Witty Comeback: Boss Man just asked if I wanted TSS's job. Anonymous: Oh dear. Does Overshare know? Witty Comeback: No. It literally just happened. Anonymous: Well, hot damn. She's going to hate you forever.
My company has this habit of sending out what is supposed to be a weekly "newsletter", filled with interesting little tidbits about health insurance changes, or upcoming deadlines, or fun little notes like "Jim Bob in Accounting won the 14th Annual company apple bobbing competition! Congrats, Jim Bob in Accounting!" which are usually accompanied by a photo, which Jim Bob in Accounting would be horrified to see if anyone ever actually opened these newsletters to see anything other than one thing: Staff Changes.
Whenever we get one of these you can hear the sound of all the employees holding their breath as they open, search and find out who's leaving the company, thereby either dooming the reader to performing two jobs until someone else is hired or notifying them that they are losing their arch nemesis only to find that they're a little sad about it. And HR, as much as they like to try and say that "no, really, these newsletters are to keep us informed about the COMPANY, and it's important to know that Sheila in PR just finished her role as Yenta in a dinner theater production" they really don't believe that either because instead of getting this on a weekly basis like they say we will, we really only get them when there are staff changes to report.
These newsletters are always a prime piece of gossip-tinder too, because every once in a while you'll get a staff change announcement like "Todd has left the company. His last day was Tuesday. Best of luck in your future endeavors, Todd!" and it leaves everyone to speculate over whether or not Todd quit, or if he was fired for looking up new jobs on craigslist.
One day, one of these lovely newsletters found their way to my inbox, and I did as all the other office drones did-- opened it immediately to find the most startling news. I actually gasped.
But before I could process what was happening, I heard the sound of footsteps. Someone sprinted into my office. Do you even need to guess who it was?
Overshare: OH MY GOD!!! Anonymous: I can't believe it. Overshare: Oh my God!!! Anonymous: [shocked silence.] Overshare: She's actually leaving!! Anonymous: I never thought she'd do it. Overshare: TSS! She quit! Oh, I am SO getting her job! Anonymous: What? Overshare: I am getting her job! Who else could they possibly give it to?
So there you have it, readers. TSS finally, finally quit. After attempting to strong-arm her coworkers into countless "fundraising opportunities", planning parties for her sorority at work, yelling at Overshare about grid lines, conveniently getting "flat-tires" before every major work event... she finally just decided to leave. And now, the war for her job would begin.
One day, Overshare had some things in her car that she needed to bring into the office. So about mid-way through the work day she stopped in my office and asked if I would help her carry some of the stuff in. Eyes crossing from a very tedious assignment, I agreed.
We didn't really talk much on the way to her car, which is a blessing in a not-so-secret disguise.
Once there, though, what I encountered clearly called for a discussion.
Anonymous: Uh, Overshare? Overshare: Yes? Anonymous: What's that? Overshare: What? Anonymous: That. [Pointing.] Why do you have a car seat? Overshare: Oh, that's the funniest thing ever!
Really? The Funniest Thing Ever? Must be one of those sarcastic talking car seats I've been hearing so much about.
At this point, I didn't really want to know the story behind why a single-ish twenty-something girl without progeny had a car seat in the back of her car. At least, I didn't until I looked a little closer and saw that something was actually buckled into the car seat.
Anonymous: Is that? Overshare: Yes, yes it is. Anonymous: What? Why? Why? Overshare: CTF saw it in a thrift store and just couldn't resist. Anonymous: He saw what in the thrift store? ET or the car seat? Overshare: ET! Isn't he awesome? Anonymous: Kind of freaky, actually. With his big eyes. Overshare: I think he's precious. Anonymous: Ok, let's just get the stuff and go back to work. Overshare: Don't you want to hear the story? Anonymous: Errr.... Overshare: So, while we were out of town last weekend, we just randomly went into this thrift store, and THERE HE WAS! Anonymous: Wow. Overshare: Yeah, I know! And apparently, CTF has always had this weird thing for ET, so he just had to buy it. Anonymous: Weird ET Thing? Overshare: So I bought it for him, and he insisted on carrying it around all weekend, calling it our lovechild! Isn't that so funny? Anonymous: Hilarious.
Not to be all snarky (oh, who am I kidding?) but... seriously: If a man I was dating ever came close to implying that our child together would somehow look even remotely similar to ET, the EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL, we would be breaking up faster than he could write the five dollar check to Goodwill.
Overshare: Yeah, every time we got into the car, he took forever putting ET into his seat, buckling his seatbelt... it was adorable. He even made me buy it a Happy Meal when we went through the drive thru! Anonymous: Oh. My. God. Overshare: I KNOW! Isn't he hilarious?? Anonymous: [Silence.] Overshare: I thought I was going to die from laughing. Anonymous: I know I am. Overshare: So then we were driving by Babies-R-Us, and he told me we had to go in and buy him a car seat.
Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA.
Now, there is a fine line between "Oh, this is a funny private joke" and "Okay, we've taken this joke too far." (It's also commonly referred to as the line between sanity and insanity.) I'd have to say that PURCHASING A CAR SEAT for the ET DOLL that you've been calling your lovechild is on the INSANITY side of that line.
Call me crazy.
Somehow, I just can't see justifying the purchase of a car seat for anything other than a baby. But I'm old-fashioned like that. Especially when, upon researching the topic for this post, I discovered that there is no such thing as a cheap car seat. Check it out.
Anonymous: You really bought a carseat for a plush ET Doll. Overshare: Sure did! Like CTF says, there's nothing too good for our lovechild.
