Another Case of the Hee Hee Hees

First thing one random morning, Overshare stood in my doorway. I was turning on my computer and just doing that general morning preparedness routine that for some reason ALWAYS includes me having to untangle my phone cord after the fairies who apparently raid my office during the night put it into knots again.

Overshare: Hee hee hee.
Anonymous: Good morning, Overshare.
Overshare: Hee hee hee.
Anonymous: You seem entertained.
Overshare: Hee hee hee.
Anonymous: Anything you want to share?
Overshare: Want some of my lunch??

Yes, that's an odd question to ask first thing in the morning. You aren't mistaken. I thought so too, until I looked up and saw that she was brandishing a lunch box, clearly meaning to show me the lunch box and figuring the only way to do that was to offer me some food from it.

And when I say lunch box, I mean it. Not a brown paper bag. Not one of those insulated reusable earth-friendly thingy-ma-whatsa-whosits. Nope. A LUNCH BOX. And no, Overshare is not six years old. Or ten, even. Hell, she's not even that super annoying fake-quirky cheerleader you remember from high school who created random phobias for herself and carried around hair clips and makeup in a Betty Boop lunch box so that people would think she was "endearing."

She's just a twenty-something "Professional." So why she feels the need to carry this


around with her for two full weeks, I'll never know. But she did.

Overshare: Isn't it Flippin' Sweet?
Anonymous: It's a lunch box.
Overshare: EXACTLY!
Anonymous: Wow.
Overshare: Oh, whatever. You know you want a lunch box as cool as mine.

I tried to find a lunch box I would even CONSIDER carrying around, should someone decide to bet me $100 to do it. Only one was even a contender: a Kurt Cobain Memorial Lunch Box, because it seems to be the height of irony to me. Personally, I'm just dying to buy this one for Oh My God I Loved It:

Because, not ONLY is it a lunch box... oh, no. It's a PAINT BY NUMBER lunch box.

And since it's simply TOO RIDICULOUS to ignore, check out the description of the Last Supper Lunch Box, straight from the website: "The original Last Supper is unquestionably one of the greatest paintings of all time, but who hasn't looked at it and said, "Eh, I could do better than that." That's where the Paint-by-Numbers Last Supper Longbox comes in. This 11.25" wide, 5" tall, and 2.25" deep metal longbox gives you the power and glory of Jesus' last meal mixed with the blurry kitsch of homemade art. With metal fixtures and a black plastic handle. A bit too narrow for carrying a full-size lunch; but great for carrying communion breadsticks."

Because I know when I look at a painting by LEONARDO FREAKING DA VINCI, I think "Eh, I could do better." I mean, really? Vitruvian Man? A ten-year-old can do that with an Etch-a-Sketch. And don't even get me started on that hack Michelangelo. The Sistine Chapel? It's only a FREAKING CEILING, PEOPLE! He didn't even have to tape off any windows!

And "Communion Breadsticks?" Need I even ask?

Rock and a Hard Place

Overshare: CTF IS GOING TO JAAAIIIILLLLL!

Is it just me, or have we heard this all before?

Anonymous: Again? Wait, what happened now?
Overshare: Oh, I can't even talk about it. It's THAT bad.
Anonymous: Oh. Well...
Overshare: So, you remember all the drama, right? The flask and the hearing and the crazy-ass judge?
Anonymous: Oh, I remember.
Overshare: Remember his very first court date?
Anonymous: Yep.
Overshare: Well, ever since that first trial, he's been going to court-ordered psych sessions, and his counselor guy started to think that he was withholding something, which is complete nonsense. CTF hasn't done ANYTHING wrong since then. Anything. But the guy won't believe him, so he totally reported back to the first judge that CTF should be ordered to take a lie detector test! And so now he TOTALLY HAS to take this stupid thing.
Anonymous: Wow.
Overshare: Oh, that's not even the worst part.
Anonymous: Oh?
Overshare: Nope. The worst part?
Anonymous: Yes?
Overshare: CTF totally WANTED to take the test, begged his lawyer to let him take it, because he DIDN'T. DO. ANYTHING. But his lawyer made this huge stink about the whole thing, how it's a violation of his civil rights, yadda yadda. And that just pissed off the judge.
Anonymous: So what's the big deal? He's taking the test, just like he wanted.
Overshare: Yes, but NOW that the lawyer made such a big thing about it, the judge is making CTF spend the night BEFORE in jail! And it's scheduled for the EXACT SAME DAY as the whole flask appeal thing in that other town!! He can't possibly do both!
Anonymous: Can't his lawyer ask to rearrange the appeal?
Overshare: Oh, yeah, because THAT judge was reasonable. He'll hear WHY we need to postpone the thing and flip right the hell out.
Anonymous: Wow.
Overshare, wailing: CTF IS GOING TO JAAAIILLLLLLLL! AGAIN!