A Cautionary Tale for the Holidays

Overshare: Oh My God.
Anonymous: What?
Overshare: CTF was ARRESTED!
Anonymous: Wait, recently?

For this, she glared at me. Heck, I thought it was a legitimate question. Maybe she was just coming to the realization that the guy she wasn’t dating but most definitely sleeping with had once been arrested. And not a funny ha-ha kind of arrested but for real and for serious ARRESTED. For doing BAD THINGS.

Overshare: This weekend! When we were out of town!
Anonymous: What happened?
Overshare: Well, a bunch of us were all hanging out in this park across from the bar we had just left, and it was like two in the morning. Well, this cop comes up to us and starts harassing us. And CTF just wasn’t having it, especially because the cop was totally getting in CTF’s face. For no reason. So CTF started talking back, and the cop got really angry, so he threatened to arrest CTF. And that’s when he noticed his belt buckle.

She said that last sentence so non-chalantly. "And that’s when he noticed his belt buckle." Like that’s a completely normal thing for a police officer to notice, or like I obviously had a thorough knowledge of CTF’s belts, which I’ll tell you, I don’t. Nor will I, ever.

Anonymous: His belt buckle?
Overshare: Yeah.
Anonymous: What was wrong with his belt buckle?
Overshare: Nothing was wrong with it. It was a flask.

You heard it here first, folks. A belt buckle FLASK. And ps-- that is something so-very-wrong with his belt buckle.

When I heard this story, I was insanely curious and before she was even fully out of the door I was on Google, checking it out. Oh yes, my friends. These things exist. Simply typing belt buckle flask into Google returns 135,000 pages. 135,000 pages! I thought I’d show you some potential flasks, just for the heck of it.

There’s the oh-so-cool Iron Cross Belt-Buckle Flask:



The obligatory Scarface Belt-Buckle Flask:


And the Rhinestone Belt-Buckle Flask (particularly recommended for Rhinestone Cowboys):


The "Trucker Babe" Belt Flask:


And my own personal favorite, the Che Guevera belt flask:


Because nothing says "Marxist Revolutionary" quite like having Che's face on your belt-buckle flask.

Overshare: So the cop, what as asshole he was, totally arrested CTF for having an open container! Even though the flask was empty!

Anyone out there believe that CTF was sporting a belt-buckle flask that was EMPTY? Anyone? Anyone?

Overshare: So he had to spend the night in jail, and I had to bail him out in the morning. I can't believe my life sometimes. Now, he might totally get his probation revoked because some crazy cop decided to arrest him for no reason!
Anonymous: Wow.

Well, maybe CTF will get lucky and the guy standing next to him in the jail cell will have a belt buckle like this:

Just A Spoonful of Sugar...

I’m known as somewhat of a Mary Poppins in my office… I carry a huge purse, and there’s a good chance that if you need something random, something that no one ever carries around with them, ever, I just may have it in there. And if it’s not in my purse, I have a very useful collection of things in my desk drawers. Nail polish remover? Check. Duct Tape? Check. Film? Check; would you prefer black and white or color? Static-cling remover? Yep. You get the picture.

So, you’ll have to forgive me that I was completely blind-sided by the forthcoming Overshare interaction.

Overshare: Anonymous, do you have AA batteries?
Anonymous: I should… let me check. [Rummages through Magic Purse, Magic Drawers] Hmmm. That’s odd, usually I do. Sorry! I’ll have to replace my stash!
Overshare: Damn.
Anonymous: Sorry.
Overshare: Oh, it’s all right. I just really wish you had some.
Anonymous: Yeah, usually I do, you know…
Overshare: Yeah. Wyoming and I are going to a tattoo parlor tonight.
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah, so I really want to take pictures and my camera's batteries just died.
Anonymous: Pictures of your tattoo?
Overshare: Oh, I’m not getting a tattoo.
Anonymous: Of Wyoming’s tattoo, then.
Overshare, staring at me in confusion: She’s not getting a tattoo either.
Anonymous: But you said you were going to a tattoo parlor…
Overshare: Well, yeah, but I’m getting pierced!
Anonymous: Oh.
Overshare: Yeah. Guess where!
Anonymous, hopefully: Eyebrow?
Overshare: Nope!
Anonymous, rapidly losing hope: Nose?
Overshare: Nope! Guess again!
Anonymous, descending into despair: Belly button?
Overshare: Closer—it’s definitely below my waist!

I think we should take a minute to let out a collective scream.

Finished? Me too. For the record, mine sounded something like "AHHHHHHHH!!!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!"

Here are my questions (feel free to respond with your own):
1.) Why exactly does she need a camera?
2.) Who exactly is documenting this event?
3.) Who does she plan on showing these pictures to? (For the love of all that’s holy, if those pictures make their way into my office, I’m resigning.)
4.) It’s not a question, but poor, poor Piercing Man.

The Coach/Couch Saga Continues

Several weeks after Overshare's "Coach" purse suddenly, miraculously appeared and took its place of prominence at staff meetings, our receptionist walked into my office and shut the door.

Receptionist, whispering: Hey, Anonymous.
Anonymous: Yes?
Receptionist: Have you seen Overshare's Coach purse?
Anonymous: Yes.
Receptionist: Have you heard the story behind it?
Anonymous: Not directly from Overshare, but I know the basic story behind it. CTF bought it for her in some grand show of love, didn't he?
Receptionist: Oh my God, I can't believe you haven't heard the story yet.
Anonymous: What story?
Receptionist: Well, the other night, I was out with Wyoming and Overshare and CTF at a bar.
Anonymous: Why?
Receptionist: Long story. There were supposed to be other people there but they bailed and it ended up being me and the three of them.
Anonymous: I'm so sorry.
Receptionist: Yeah.

[A moment of silence, please, for Receptionist's poor, unfortunate, now-permanently-scarred soul.]

Receptionist: So anyway, while we were all out, I couldn't take all of the inconsistencies in the story anymore so when Overshare went to the bathroom, I cornered CTF.
Anonymous: Really??

Oh, I was SO glad to get the real story on this. Here it is, as Receptionist relayed to me.

Receptionist: So, CTF, I can't believe you spent so much money on a purse for Overshare!
CTF: What?
Receptionist: Yeah, I mean, that must have cost you a lot of money! Did you get a good deal or something?
CTF: What are you talking about? What purse?
Receptionist: The Coach purse you bought for Overshare! Those things are crazy expensive!
CTF: I didn't buy Overshare any purse.
Receptionist: At all?
CTF: No!
Receptionist: But Overshare said that you sent her out of the store and bought it for her over a month ago.
CTF: I didn't buy nobody no f***ing purse.

Ah, so polite. I had almost forgotten.

So what did I do with this new information? I immediately call Witty Comeback to come into my office to hear the story, first-hand. Receptionist relayed it again.

Anonymous: Can you believe it?
Witty Comeback: Not really, no.
Anonymous: Receptionist, did you tell Overshare that you found out?
Receptionist: Are you kidding? I plan to talk about the purse whenever CTF is around now, just to see her sweat.

Google Fun

I'll get back to an original Overshare story next week, guys. Until then, to tide you over, may I present the latest Google search terms to lead to Overshare:

Cardio Strip Down tour

A whole tour? Really? I wonder if Overshare knows about that!

Witty Comeback about Happy Hour

Don’t we all wish for one of those? I just love the idea that someone out there googled this. Seriously. If it’s you, send me an email. We need to be friends.

Nanny Sex

Dear Jude Law,

Way to be discreet.

Sincerely,

Anonymous Coworker

When You Love A Coworker

Awww. How sweet. Sort of odd that someone out there is searching for some sort of “how-to” about this, but who am I to judge?

I want to book Cole and Dylan Sprouse for a birthday party?

I love, love, LOVE that this person included a question mark. Google, is this you? Yes, I’d like to book George Clooney for a bachelorette party? Please?

My crazy threesome adventure

Not just ANY crazy threesome adventure, oh no. MY crazy threesome adventure. Maybe they should have included an exclamation point.

Amazing shagging

Looks like that Coworker Love Affair Guide worked.

And my current favorite: coworkers alcohol bad

Why, yes, yes it is. Thank you for noticing.