That's the Sound of the Man...

The day after one of Overshare's Self-Appointed-Social-Secretary Work Happy Hours, she came into my office wearing huge sunglasses, and what I'm pretty sure were the same pants she was wearing the day before.

Overshare: Oh my GAWD, Anonymous! Did you see the DRAH-MA last night?

Anonymous: Well, I was only there for about a half hour... why? What happened?

Overshare, singing: Draaaaaaaah-maaaaaaaa!

Anonymous: Ah.

Overshare: Toolshed's Wife is so freaking dumb.

Anonymous: Really?

Overshare: Yeah! I tried so hard, SO HARD, to be nice to her, Anonymous. I followed her and Toolshed all over the freaking bar, trying to talk to her, and she wouldn't even acknowledge my existence! I mean, sheez! What does a girl have to do to get noticed around here?

What does one have to do, indeed.

Anonymous: Well, you are rather hard to ignore, I'll give you that.

Overshare: Exactly! So she was totally doing it on purpose!

Anonymous: [silence]

Overshare: I'm going over to Toolshed's office right now to tell him that he needs to teach his dog, oops, I mean his wife, some manners.

Have I ever mentioned that Overshare is nothing if not classy?

Overshare: I mean, come on!! I'm like the world's least intimidating person ever! I'm SO easy to talk to!

Anonymous: Ok.

Overshare: And anyway, it's not like I'm there in the corner, banging away with her husband or anything.

Anonymous: No, it's not.

Overshare, pantomiming sex: Uhhh. Uhh. Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!! Ooooh, Toolshed!

Anonymous: Please don't.

Overshare, stopping mid-act: What?

Anonymous: That. Please don't.

Overshare: Whatever. That's what I'm saying-- it's not like I'm jumping her husband in a dark corner or anything. I mean, it's a no brainer, really. Toolshed or CTF? As if that's even a contest. I mean, who would you choose, for goodness' sake?

Oh, Dear Lord, three things I pray: To see thee more clearly... to love thee more dearly... and to never, ever have to choose between Toolshed and CTF. For any reason. Ever. It's like choosing to either get VD on purpose or to stab out one's own eye from boredom.

WikiGoogle

It's been a while since I've posted about the Google Antics that bring people by this blog. This is my ultimate favorite thing to monitor about the blog, really... because DAMN, people use search engines for some funny stuff.

For example:

What does a handbag say about a lady?
Why, we all know handbags are dirty rotten lying scoundrels who, when given a chance, reveal all of a lady's deepest darkest secrets. As if you needed to ask Google that.

Funnies of the horrible coworkers
Something about this (the syntax? The word "funnies?" The fact that they used the article "the"?) makes me giggle. It seems like a phrase that my grandmother would have used in a search engine.

Fake cell phone stalker
Wait a second: is the cell phone fake? The stalker? Color me confused.

I overheard you guys are looking for a nanny.
Because I know that when I look for a nanny, the first thing that on my list of requirements is "Eavesdropper." Right up there with "Dates a felon."

Should I take a sick day?
I love that someone out there treats Google like a Magic 8 Ball.

Boss Man's Last Known Joke

The scene: our whole department is sitting in a conference room, trying to stay awake during a particularly boring meeting. And let me tell you, in order for one of our meetings to stick out in your memory because it was boring means that it was on a level of mundane thus far unbeknown to man. Add that to the fact that Boss Man had scheduled this particular meeting very, very close to Close of Business on a Friday, and you can see why the staff may have been a bit more perturbed at attending a boring meeting than usual.

And that leads me to say, with a small amount of sincerity: Thank God for Overshare.

Boss Man: And so... blah blah blah... blah blahtery blah.... and that should about wrap things up.
Group: [half of group wakes up, other half releases a collective relieved sigh]
Boss Man: Anyone else have anything they need to talk about or ask?
Group: [shoot Dagger Glares around the table, half-daring anyone to speak up and prolong the meeting]
Boss Man: No? Nothing?
New Colleague, Recently Relocated: I was just wondering... [group hastens to aim their Dagger Glares at her, she withers slightly] do we ever meet for dinners or anything, you know, off-site? To talk about strategy? Get to know each other?
Group: [grumbles]
Boss Man: Err... not really.
NC,RR: Oh. Well, maybe we should start.
Group: [collective sigh, everyone checks watches, rolls eyes]
Boss Man: Well... [decides a very, very rare attempt at a joke might break the tension] Overshare has a whole list of nightspots in her repertoire. Maybe she's willing to share.
Group: [Laughs nervously]
Overshare: I don't know what you're talking about, Boss Man!
Boss Man: I just thought that with your extensive social life...
Overshare, offended: I have no social life! I'm too busy keeping CTF out of jail!

Ok... how out of control does your Oversharing have to be for your BOSS to label your social life "extensive?" I would have died of embarrassment, and that Keeping My Boyfriend Out of Jail excuse? Yeah, I would have kept that to myself.

I Think He Missed the Point

About midday on Monday afternoons, Overshare basically decides she is done with work for the day. She spends the rest of her time in the office annoying people. It's prime Ovesharing time, apparently. And who'd want to waste that?

One particular Monday afternoon, Overshare decided to grace my office for the better part of TWO HOURS. To be honest, I can't recall the conversation. I know what you're thinking: "Then what the hell kind of blog post is THIS??"

Well, it would be a crappy one, if Overshare didn't redeem the time:

Overshare, standing to leave (finally): Hey, here.
Anonymous: What's that?

[Overshare reaches out with her hand and gives me something.]

Overshare: I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, I'm here for you.
Anonymous: What's this?
Overshare: Look at it.
Anonymous: Is this?
Overshare: It's an AA coin!
Anonymous: You're going to AA?
Overshare: NO! Why would I do that?
Anonymous: Err...
Overshare: No, CTF was ordered by the courts to go to AA. It's his coin. He gave it to me, and I'm giving it to you!
Anonymous: Uh..... thanks?
Overshare: It's hysterical. CTF and I always go out right before his meetings... he likes to go in just a little bit drunk. He says it makes them easier to stand.
Anonymous: Hmmm.
Overshare: Isn't that hilarious?
Anonymous: Well...
Overshare: Anyway, I'm here for you if you need me.
Anonymous: Good to know.

I've already documented CTF's potential belt buckle flasks... but now, I'd like to introduce you to another product that I think could come in handy. If you're an alcoholic looking for a fix at your AA meeting, that is.

And since I like to think it my duty to keep you all well-informed on any potential clothing apparel that doubles as an alcoholic container, may I introduce, the Shoe Flask. (And no, I am not kidding.)




You can read some pretty hilarious comments here: Shoe Flask.