Might I Suggest Padded Walls?

After much deliberation, Witty Comeback decided that Tyrannical Sorority Sister's job was too specialized for her, and would lock her into a career path that she ultimately didn't want. So she went to Boss Man, thanked him and told him she'd prefer to stay where she was at the moment for those reasons.

To say Boss Man was disappointed, though understanding, would be an understatement.

Wouldn't you be disappointed if your two hiring options were shaping up to be Overshare and Smoking Know It All?

The worst part of Witty's decision was undeniably the fact that Overshare clearly had no idea that Witty Comeback had already been offered the position, meaning she continued to spout off at every turn about how excited Boss Man was about her application, how excited she was to start the new job, excitment ad nauseum.

And then, it happened. The comment that made Witty Comeback question her decision, even if just for a moment.

Witty and I were in my office, chatting a bit, when Overshare walked in.

Overshare: So, guys, how do you think I should decorate my office?
Witty, Anonymous: [shared, stunned silence.]

You see, in sifting through all of the pros and cons of taking the job, it never really occurred to either of us that along with TSS's job came her rather cushy window office.

The cushy window office it now appeared that Overshare would soon move into, to lord over us until kingdom come. So we sat there, silently listening to Overshare discuss how soon she could move in there, how she'd position the furniture, how Witty should "feel free" to come in there whenever she wanted, if she ever needed a break from Cubicle City. Because, clearly, enduring her gloating is supposed to be considered a pleasant "escape."

Ah, the Sound of the Uncorrupted....

At one of our company birthday parties a group of us were standing around, eating cake. (These are always a source of hilarity. Remember? I’ve written about them before.) You know how these things go… you get cake, and the few people who you actually consider friends stand together and chit-chat before you return to your desk to power through the last two hours of work solely on the tides of a sugar high.

So a small group of us are standing around, chatting. Beside me is New Hire, a recent addition to the office who has just asked a friend a question about our insurance plan. During the explanation, Overshare started in on a new story.

Overshare: So CTF and I went camping this weekend, and I have the most hilarious story!
Oh-My-God-I-Loved-It: Oh my God, really? What is it?
Overshare: Well, one night I went to the bathroom.
Anonymous: Ok.
OMG: Wait, is that it?
Overshare, rolling her eyes: No. So I went to the bathroom and CTF said he was going to build a fire while I was gone. So I go, and then when I come back, guess what?
Anonymous: CTF had built a fire?
Overshare, clearly trying (and failing) to build suspense: Noooo….
OMG: CTF doesn’t know how to build a fire?
Overshare: No…. CTF was gone!!
Anonymous: Really?
Overshare: So, I wondered if perhaps I was at the wrong camp, but then I finally figured out that I wasn’t… so then I figured CTF was hiding, so I went to look for him.
OMG: Did you ever find him?
Overshare: Yeah, he was huddled behind our tent. Scared the crap out of me!
New Girl, coming late to the story: Wait, what is this? Who was hiding? A dog? A bear?

[No one answers.]

New Girl, whispering: A rapist?
Overshare: CTF! My boyfriend! I mean, my friend!
New Girl: Your boyfriend’s a rapist?

[Group laughs, hysterically.]

Overshare: Oh, funny. Real funny.

[Group continues to laugh until we notice her Look of Death and Evil.]

Overshare: Fine. I’m going back to my desk.

[Overshare leaves. Group waits a few seconds, bursts into hysterical laughter.]

OMG: Wasn’t that funny? Oh my God, it was so funny!

Advantages of Having An Alien Lovechild

Overshare: Oh my God, I totally discovered the best thing ever!!

Some ideas on potential "Best Thing Ever" discoveries:
1. A cure for cancer.
2. Several thousands of dollars hidden in the wall of your home.
3. An original manuscript of a world-changing novel, say To Kill A Mockingbird or Catcher in the Rye.

But I know better than that to expect such discoveries from Overshare.

Anonymous: What would that be?
Overshare: With that car seat, and ET strapped in, I can TOTALLY use the car-pool lanes! No one even notices!!

Of course the Best Thing Ever, in her mind, is something that lets her take advantage of the system and benefits only her.

Anonymous: Wow.
Overshare: Who knew??!?
Anonymous: Who knew, indeed.

Oh, how much I would pay to be with the cop who pulls her over to discover this little gem and write her that ticket... the stories, the tears, the "But I didn't know!"... it would be priceless, really. What a story that cop will have to tell his family over dinner.

Office Wars

Smoking Know It All has a favorite person to gossip at (not to, but at) and that person just so happens to be in an office that is next-door to my office. From now on, I shall call them Smoking Know It All's Victim; Victim for short. And our mutual wall? It's very thin. As in, I routinely have to listen to music in order to drown them out when they're on the phone. Very thin.

And we all know that Overshare's favorite person to overshare to is me.

One day, in the midst of the TSS Promotion Drama, these two unfortunate facts of life collided.

I was in my office, trying to focus on a rather urgent piece of business when I heard Smoking Know It All enter Victim's office. Did I mention in my previous post that Smoking Know It All has a very--how shall we say?-- distinctive voice? Imagine a voice is like a mixed drink... Smoking Know It All's is one shot gravel, one shot Fran Drescher in The Nanny, and a splash of gin.

Smoking Know It All: Hello, Victim.
Victim: Hello, Smoking.
Smoking Know It All: So, did you hear?

It is at this point that Overshare walked into my office.

Overshare: Hey, Anonymous.
Anonymous Coworker: Hey, Overshare.
Overshare: Did you hear?
Anonymous: Hear what?
Overshare, speaking loud enough for Smoking Know It All to hear: Smoking Know It All applied for MY JOB!

Victim, trying to act like he didn't just hear what Overshare said: Hear what, Smoking?
Smoking Know It All: I applied for TSS's JOB!

Anonymous, whispering: Wait, did she apply for your job, or TSS's job?
Overshare: My job IS TSS's JOB! I'm getting THAT PROMOTION!
Anonymous: Err...

Smoking Know It All: There's no way in hell I'm not getting it. With all the things I know...
Victim: Mmmmhmmm....
Smoking Know It All: They'd be crazy not to give it to me. To buy my silence at the VERY LEAST.

Overshare, whispering now: You don't really think they'll give it to her, do you?
Anonymous: [shrugs shoulders.]
Overshare, loudly again: We'll see about that!

Overshare turned and left my office. Smoking Know It All left Victim's office and stuck her head in mine. Creepily, she didn't say anything, just smiled, then left to go back to her section of the office.

Just another day in the Land of the Crazy.

Smoking Know It All

Witty Comeback decided to take a few days to think over the pros and cons of taking over Tyrannical Sorority Sister’s position, including any potential backlash that might occur from Overshare, should she actually take the job. In the mean time, another candidate threw her hat into the ring: Smoking Know It All.

Smoking Know It All… it boggles the mind to even begin to describe her. She basically, if you ask her, knows everything. And I mean, everything. How to do her job, how to do your job, how to do Incredibly Important Uppity-Up’s job, how to build a space rocket from dental floss, a bra, and orange juice. You know, the basics.

And she never hesitates, never ever hesitates to tell you so, either. In fact, she can't wait to tell you. She loves to tell you that Salesman A was a wacko or that if the company ever fired her, she could cause Management to set fire to the walls with the depth of knowledge she has about its inner workings.

Seriously, Smoking Know It All is the absolute lynch pin to our entire company, and without her the entire thing would crumble like a deck of cards. Just ask her.

But you never actually have to ask her, since her favorite pastime is gossiping, which she accomplishes through her smoking habit. At any time of day, if you walk outside you are almost assured of running into Smoking Know It All. She stands there, waiting for prey… and as soon as she sees someone from the company, she pounces, luring them in with some sordid detail about some department of the company and then proceeds directly into an hour-long lecture about how if she were running things, we’d all be so much better off and why can’t the management just listen to her, because she knows what she’s talking about and sheez, you’d think they’d give her a raise for being This. Damn. Smart.

Smoking + gossiping + infinite knowledge + outrageous sense of entitlement = not someone you want to move into your department of the company.

And to add some more tinder to an already explosive situation, Smoking Know It All and TSS were pretty good friends. And by pretty good friends, I mean Smoking Know It All only said negative things about TSS sometimes. And some more: Smoking Know It All and Overshare had already been in a rather entertaining and legendary cat fight earlier in the year regarding a report.

I was beginning to feel sorry for Boss Man—he didn’t really have a whole lot of options. He could promote the under-qualified Overshare, and deal with her and her oversharing tendencies on a much more consistent basis; hire Smoking Know It All and be forced to hear, every day, how other people simply don’t know what they’re doing and how she really should just be named Emperor of the World already and then everything would finally be all sunshine and puppies and brandy; hire someone outside the company in a total crap shoot; or hire Witty Comeback and have to deal with the drama that Overshare would doubtlessly contribute to such a situation.

What’s a Boss Man to do?