Join Overshare and her cast of crazy characters as she tells all, bares all...
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Boss + Alcohol = Bad Idea
Have I mentioned that Overshare likes to drink?
I could have sworn I had.
This love of drinking soon lead to a stint as the self-appointed office social secretary.
Overshare: I have a brilliant idea. Anonymous: Oh really? Overshare: Yes. I'm going to institute a weekly Happy Hour. Anonymous: Ohhhh. Overshare: Yeah, we're going to go to a different bar every week-- doesn't that sound awesome? Anonymous: Awesome.
Now... I'm all for the typical work happy hour that happens occasionally. Really, I am. But weekly? We spend 8 hours a day, five days a week together-- I see no reason to plan to spend another 2-4 hours weekly after work with my coworkers. That's when I see my friends. Not to say I don't have coworkers who become friends (such as Witty Comeback) but Overshare? Wyoming? They don't fall into that category.
Anonymous: Every week, huh? Overshare: Every week. Anonymous: Great.
At that moment, Boss Man walked by my office.
Overshare, yelling: Hey, Boss Man!! Come out drinking with us!
Boss Man kept walking down the hall.
Overshare, to me: I'll get you the details later. Overshare, exiting my office and following Boss Man: Hey! Hey, Boss Man!! Come out drinking with us! We're gonna get trashed!
Overshare: I totally met this guy last night. Anonymous: Where? Overshare: Oh, at a bar. Anonymous: Of course. Overshare: He was SOOOOOO cute, Anonymous. Anonymous: I'm sure he was. Overshare: Like, sex on the first date cute. Anonymous: Is that really a category? Overshare: Huh? Anonymous: Never mind. Overshare: Yeah, but I totally screwed it up. Anonymous: How is that? Overshare: Well, when he first approached, I was finishing my beer and didn't get a chance to take a really good look at him. Anonymous: I thought he was sex on the first date cute. Overshare: Oh, he definitely is… I just didn't really look at him until after we had started talking. Anonymous: Okaaaayy…. Overshare: Yeah. Anonymous: I'm sorry—you're going to have to explain how you screwed it up. Overshare: Well, since I didn't realize how cute he was at first, I totally gave him my bar name!
Anonymous: You have a fake bar name? Overshare: Yeah, of course! Anonymous: Of course. Overshare: So I totally spent all night talking to this hottie, and the whole time he thought my name was Aksana!
All Points Bulletin: Overshare in no way looks Russian. Or any kind of Eastern European, for that matter.
I could barely contain myself at this point. My steely resolve nearly cracked under the pressure of this little tidbit of information.
Anonymous, voice squeaking from holding in a laugh: Aksana? Overshare: Yeah. It's exotic.
Personally, I think Areola Boobitch is much more appropriate.
Anonymous: It sure is. Overshare: So the real question is: do you think I can get away with it? Anonymous: With what? Overshare: We're going out tonight-- do you think I can pull off the Aksana personality for that long? Anonymous, completely lying: Oh, most definitely.
I honestly don't know what shocked me more, folks… the fact that she's asking me a question about myself or the very idea that she thinks I would ever answer this question in a million years. Why would anyone ever need to know this piece of information?
Anonymous: Er… Overshare: [waiting patiently]
She actually wanted me to answer. For the first time ever, she wanted me to respond. I almost answered her honestly, out of pure shock.
I said almost.
Anonymous: Er… Overshare: Well? Anonymous: Er… why? Overshare: CTF and I started sleeping naked, and it’s great. I really recommend it.
Who in the SAM HELL recommends to coworkers that they start sleeping in the nude? Or maybe she was offering CTF’s services. I was too scared to ask.
Overshare: Seriously. It’s so sensual and freeing. Give it a shot.
Oh-My-God-I-Loved-It: Anonymous, did you see Napoleon Dynamite? Anonymous: Yeah, I thought it was— OMG: Didn’t you love it? Oh my God, I loved it! Anonymous: It was pretty funny. OMG: Didn’t you think it was funny? It was so funny! Anonymous: I loved the scene where Uncle Rico takes Kip’s steak— OMG: I LOVE the scene where Uncle Rico takes Kip’s steak and throws it at Napoleon! Didn’t you think that was funny? It was so funny! Anonymous: Yep, I thought it was funny. OMG: Did you know that everyone involved in the movie is Mormon?
I hope you’re all ready for another religion lesson.
Anonymous: Well, I know the writers are, but I don’t think everyone was. OMG: Oh, no. I have friends that work in Hollywood, and they said it was one of the requirements for being on set. Anonymous: Really? Because there are some semi-famous actors in it that I’m pretty sure aren’t Mormon. OMG: I’m sure. You absolutely HAD to be a Mormon. The writers refused to work with anyone who wasn’t. Anonymous: I’m pretty sure Diedrich Bader isn’t Mormon. OMG: If he’s in the movie, he had to be. Anonymous: Haylie Duff isn’t Mormon. OMG: Wait, who is she? Anonymous: Hillary Duff’s sister—she played Summer Wheatly. OMG: I’m telling you, everyone in the movie is Mormon. Anonymous: Even the girl who played LaFawnduh? OMG: EVERYONE. Anonymous: Pedro, too? OMG: [huffs, walks away.]
I have to say-- in all of my wildest dreams, I have never once imagined I would hear the sweet utterance of a coworker talking about such a thing in my workplace. I am glad it happened so early on in my career, though I do wonder if I've now reached the pinnacle of my professional life. And, p.s.-- what a delightfully named fungus. I truly don't understand why we don't promote it. Heck, I think we, as a society, should start discussing all "opportunistic infections" more, and maybe that was what Overshare was attempting to do. To shed light on the situation and call it out of darkness, to remove the stigma so commonly attached to such things and brings the victims peace of mind and solidarity in the fight.
Or maybe not.
Anonymous: Am I supposed to know why you're saying that? Overshare: What do you think of it? Anonymous: Huh? Overshare: Do you think it would be a good name? Anonymous: A NAME? Overshare: Yeah. Jock Itch. Kind of catchy.
Hot damn, that's the best pun I've heard in a while and it went right over her head.
Anonymous: [giggles] Overshare, irritated: What? What's so funny? Anonymous: Nothing. Overshare: Whatever. So, last night CTF and I were discussing what we want to name our kids.
Right, because that's the next logical step after you've planned your wedding. Anonymous: Oh. Overshare: Yeah. And he said that he wanted to name his kids Jock Itch and Foot, if they are boys. And Stripper and Whore if they are girls. He thinks it would be funny if teachers had to call a kid Whore all the time. Anonymous: Oh yeah. Hysterical. Overshare: I think he was just kidding. Anonymous: You think he was kidding? Overshare: About Stripper and Whore, anyway. He seemed to be serious about Jock Itch though. Anonymous: Ugh. Overshare: Yeah, he said that since he's going to screw his kids up anyway, he might as well get a head start.
I'm sorry I haven't been more faithful in posting, dear readers. I can only say it's because this summer has found me busier than usual at my job.
I do have some sad news: Witty Comeback has left my office. She's left for a far grander place, for sure, and hopefully won't have a coworker who comes near to the one who inspired this blog. This does leave me, sadly, without someone to email when Overshare ambushes me in my office.
In the course of her departing, several old emails were discovered though, detailing some Overshare stories that had been forgotten. So the good news is that I've come across more overshares to share! This does nothing, of course, to help the Barnacle situation which I fear shall become dire. We shall see.
That said, enjoy this rediscovered gem from the time when my office was in the hiring process for Wyoming's job.
Overshare, walking straight into my office: Don't mind me. Anonymous: Huh? Overshare, putting her ear to my wall: SHHH! Anonymous: What are you doing? Overshare: They're interviewing my friend right now, next door. Anonymous: You're listening in?!? Overshare: Of course. Anonymous: Not from here. Get out. Overshare, in anguish: WHY?!? Anonymous: Because. Overshare, upset: Fine.
She then proceeded to stand just outside my door, still leaning into my office trying to hear the conversation through my wall.
Anonymous: No, really. Stop doing that. Overshare: WHY?!? Anonymous: Because I have work to do. And it's distracting. Overshare: Oh, puh-lease. Anonymous: I just don't like it, ok? Overshare: Why do you have to be such a raging bitch sometimes?
Now, friends... of all things I may be, a raging bitch is not one of them. Truly. A bitch, maybe a case could be made for that, sometimes. But a RAGING bitch? Oh no.
Anonymous: Ummm. Overshare: Fine. FINE!
She then stood by the copy machine for the next hour, trying to listen from there.
Why do I feel like I’ve heard this before? Oh wait, because I have. Of course, back then, I thought I had heard the “Summer is too hot” rant. I didn’t realize there was more to come.
Anonymous: Hmm. Overshare: I just feel so gross. Anonymous: Yes, well… it’s not like this is normal weather, either. It’s bound to break sometime. Overshare: Yeah, but I’m on my period and it’s just getting disgusting.
A long while after Christmas, Overshare walked into my office.
Overshare: I got CTF an iPod for Christmas. A good one.
What the heck? I mean, come on now… an iPod?? Who gets their non-boyfriend a $300 Christmas gift? I didn’t get my actual boyfriend a $300 gift when we were actually dating; forget after we broke up. And there wasn’t even a Swedish Nanny in the picture.
Anonymous: That’s a nice gift. Overshare: You have one, don’t you? Anonymous: Yes. Overshare: Well, I have an older iPod, and now I’m really tempted to just give CTF my old one and keep this new one. He doesn’t even have a computer, so I’m in charge of loading it up anyway. Anonymous: Err…
What exactly do you say to someone who gives an extravagant gift to an undeserving guy, but then wants to essentially revoke it? I mean, talk about an ethical quandary… she shouldn’t have given the gift in the first place, but taking it back? That’s horrible too.
Overshare: Oh well, I guess I’ll let him have the new one. Anonymous: Very nice of you. Overshare: Yeah, well. I’m just going to be loading up all my music anyway. Anonymous: Do you guys share the same music taste? Overshare: Are you kidding? We have everything in common. Except, you know, I’m not a criminal.
