Join Overshare and her cast of crazy characters as she tells all, bares all...
Friday, March 31, 2006
Confrontations
I’m often asked why someone doesn’t say something to Overshare about her oversharing. To say my boss takes a laissez-faire attitude to these things would be an understatement. I’d even go so far as to say he realizes what kind of work environment this creates, but would rather avoid any kind of awkward confrontation, the kind that would be required to fix the situation.
But that’s not to say that she hasn’t been confronted before.
Enter Candid Temp.
Candid Temp was brought in when Witty Comeback was promoted, to cover her old position while we began the hiring process. Witty was moved into a new part of the office, and Candid Temp was given her old space in a cubicle directly connected to Overshare’s.
Candid Temp had a rather typical story for a temp—he had his Master’s Degree in conflict resolution, and was putting his resume out, but had recently moved to the area and needed a job to cover the rent until he got a more permanent gig in his field of study. Candid Temp, being a man, quickly became Overshare’s new favorite person to overshare to. He got the Quick and Dirty Update—two days into his assignment and he could tell Overshare stories with the best of us.
It just so happens (prepare yourselves for a shock here…) that at the time that Candid Temp was working for us, Overshare and CTF were going through a rough patch. There were a lot of phone calls going back and forth between them, and more than once a call ended in a shouting match, a phone slamming down, and tears and sobbing from Overshare.
It also happens that Overshare was going through a rough time with her family, because they had all talked with Overshare about CTF and how it might not be such a good idea to date a pedophile bouncer. She was fighting with them about that. (Exactly how one justifies to their mother the very idea of dating such a man, I have no idea.)
One day, I had a project for Candid Temp so I went over to his cubicle to discuss it. Overshare was in the middle of a phone conversation with CTF, and it was escalating.
Overshare: CTF! I don’t care WHAT you do this weekend. I don’t care. CTF says something. Overshare: I said I’d don’t care! F*** her if you want to!! CTF says something. Overshare: I said F*** her if you want to!!
At this point, I look over to Candid Temp, who rolls his eyes at me. I’m expecting him to handle this as we all do in the office. But oh no, my friends. Candid Temp, being a temp and therefore not having to care about preserving office relationships, doesn’t avert his eyes, doesn’t quietly pretend as if nothing is going on. No. He is much too candid for that.
Candid Temp, pumping his fist for emphasis: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Yes, my blog friends. Candid Temp finally said to Overshare what everyone who works with her thinks. She would be a perfect guest on The Jerry Springer Show.
Overshare: [silence] Candid Temp, in a pretty good Jerry Springer impression: And on today’s show, we have men who love young girls and the women who love them anyway… should be a fascinating show. Overshare, to CTF on the phone: What? Oh, it’s nothing. It’s another conversation happening in the office. I have to go. [Hangs up] Overshare, to Candid Temp: What the HELL is that supposed to mean? Candid Temp: I would think it was obvious. Overshare, angry: Why don’t you explain it anyway? Candid Temp: I was just giving you what I thought you wanted: an audience.
I have a hard time feeling sorry for anyone when they have married a complete tool. When you marry Toolshed... let's just say you had it coming.
It appears that Toolshed's Wife may be a tiny bit concerned that Toolshed is rather flirtatious and works with a lot of women, if some overheard phone conversations are any indication.
And I'm sure Toolshed being after all, a TOOL, goes home to Toolshed's Wife and tells her stories all about his favorite coworker, Overshare. And I think we all know that telling your possibly paranoid wife who is already concerned about your actions at work the story of, say, swapping shoes with a certain coworker, or of said coworker having ultra-sensitive nipples... well, I think we can all imagine that Toolshed's Wife is going to be predisposed to disliking Overshare.
We got to find out for sure when Overshare met Toolshed's Wife at a work social event. Things didn't go so well.
Anonymous: How did the social event go? Overshare: Oh, it was great! They had an open bar, which I of course utilized to it's fullest extent. Anonymous: Sounds great. Overshare: Oh, it was fabulous. That is, until I met Toolshed's Wife. Anonymous: Uhoh. Overshare: What a bitch! Anonymous: What did she do? Overshare: She refused to speak. Anonymous: What? Overshare: She wouldn't answer any of my questions. You know, I was just trying to be nice-- asking her where she went to college, how that problem with her parents worked out... Anonymous: Problem with her parents? Overshare: Didn't Toolshed tell you? Anonymous: Why would Toolshed tell me about a problem his wife was having with her parents? Overshare: Why wouldn't he? He told me. Anonymous: Well, some people might think it was inappropriate... you know what? Never mind. Overshare: Anyway. When I brought up the parent problem, she just grabbed Toolshed's arm and walked away. How rude is that? She wouldn't even let me hug him goodbye! Anonymous, sarcastically: The nerve of some people. Overshare: Yeah, I told Toolshed he's not allowed to bring her to work functions anymore.
Overshare: I'm calling the police. Anonymous, worried: Right now? What happened?
Sidenote: I know, people, that by now, I really, really, really should not jump to logical conclusions anymore when it comes to Overshare. I should automatically jump to the least likely event and work from there when she makes outlandish statements, but for some reason I don't. Case in point: in this instance, I wondered if she had been attacked in the parking lot, or had her purse stolen, or her car broken into. Why haven't I learned?
Overshare: Swedish Nanny is stalking me. Anonymous, groaning: Of course she is. What happened? Overshare: I was hanging out with CTF last night, and she kept calling me. Anonymous: Did she need to talk to CTF? Overshare, annoyed: Of course she did. Anonymous, annoyed that Overshare's annoyed with me: Well, why didn't you hand the phone to him? Overshare:Because. It's the principle of the matter. Anonymous: The principle of a girl needing to speak to her boyfriend, who is spending time alone with another woman and so using the phone number the boyfriend gave her to use? Overshare: Yes. Anonymous: Interesting. Overshare: So I just hung up. And she kept calling, and calling, and calling. So finally I picked up, told her to stop calling. Do you know what she had the nerve to say to me? Anonymous: I'm just dying to know. Overshare, using a very, very weird accent, which I guess was supposed to be Swedish: "CTF and I are in love. LOVE, do you hear me? I will speak to him whenever I wish." Can you even believe her nerve? Anonymous: What was CTF doing during all of this? Overshare: Laughing. Anonymous: Who was he laughing at? Overshare: Oh, he said he wasn't laughing at either of us, just at you know, the whole situation. Anonymous: You mean the whole situation that he created? Overshare: Well, I guess if you want to look at it thatway. Anonymous: I would. Overshare: Whatever. Anyway, so I got so frustrated last night that I looked up the law on harassment, and she's totally harassing me. So I'm calling the police. Anonymous: Right now? Why didn't you call last night? Overshare: Well, I knew work today was going to be slow, so I just figured I'd wait.
Overshare: I changed my Halloween costume. Anonymous: I don't think I heard what the original one was going to be. Overshare: Oh, well, originally I was going to be a cat. I had this black leather mini-skirt with a matching bustier and ears. Anonymous, thankful that she changed her mind: And now? Overshare: I'm going to be a Swedish Nanny.
Anonymous, trying not to laugh hysterically: And what, pray tell, does a Swedish Nanny costume look like? Overshare: I've got a blonde wig, some wooden clogs, a short skirt... and the best part of all? Anonymous, truly dying to know: Yes? Overshare: I'm wearing a Baby Bjorn, with a doll in it.
Yep, you read that correctly too.
After all, what Swedish Nanny costume would be complete with out one of these?
Anonymous: Surely you're not going trick-or-treating... Overshare: Oh no. I'm going on a bar crawl. Anonymous: Of course. Overshare: And you want to know the best part? The bar crawl ends at Skank Bar. Anonymous: Won't CTF be working? Overshare: Sure will. And Swedish Nanny will be there too. Anonymous: Of course. Overshare: I can't wait to see the look on their faces.
I'm not sure Skank Bar is big enough for two Swedish Nannies.
I know what you're thinking: jigga what? When did she decide to change the focus of her blog? Will she now be discussing who the Top Six will be and why America seems to love 16-year-olds with lisps? (For the record, my money is on Taylor, Chris, Elliot, Paris, Lisa and Katherine. And I have no answer for the Kevin Covais phenomenon.)
No, no my friends. In a very rare occurrence, Overshare and I have a mutual interest. Of course, there's a normal level of interest in a reality tv series and then there's Overshare.
You see, Overshare loves Taylor Hicks. This Taylor Hicks. (Please, please watch the clip. It makes me laugh so much.)
I like him. A lot. Hell, I'm not ashamed to admit I even voted for him several times. But Overshare? She loves him.
She's on a mission from God.
She will meet Taylor. That's what she just told me a few minutes ago. Right after she asked me if I thought they'd be a good couple. (Which really made me want to ask "Well, do you want to play MASH and find out?" A good couple?? What the Fork? Are we 13?)
She filled me in on the plans-- she's going to find where he lives and stalk him. Seems pretty straight-forward, if you ask me. I was hoping for something including sky-writing, large cakes from which Overshare would jump out to surprise him, and (one can only hope) a large, large bouquet of carnations, Michael-Jackson-style.
It's times like this that I wish I could post a picture of Overshare, because it doubles, nay triples, the comedic value of this post to be able to imagine them together. You'll just have to content yourself with envisioning their children: five year old, gray-haired kids running around twitching, "whoo!"-ing, and telling their neighborhood friends waaay too much personal information.
Overshare: He lied. Again. Anonymous: I can’t say I’m surprised. Overshare: He’s dating Swedish Nanny. Anonymous: Really? Overshare: Yep. Anonymous: How do you know? Overshare: We went to the beach this weekend, and she kept calling my cell phone. Anonymous: Why did she call your cell phone? Overshare: Because CTF doesn’t have one. Anonymous: So he gave her your number to reach him, while he was at the beach with you? Overshare: Yep. Anonymous: And you’re ok with that? Overshare: No, but how else was she supposed to reach him? Anonymous, wanting to slam her head against her desk: Why did he even go if he’s dating someone else? Overshare: Because he loves me. Anonymous: He loves you? Overshare: That’s what he says. Anonymous: Then why date someone else? Overshare: She convinced him to. Anonymous: She convinced him to? I’m sorry, but is he not a 34-year-old man? How in the world does he get convinced to date someone when he loves someone else? Overshare: He just feels bad for her. She’s Swedish and hates her job and has no friends… and he’s such a nice guy… he just had to. Anonymous: That’s crap, and I think you know it. Overshare: I just think it’s so sad… because the sex is so good. It was just like old times this weekend. It’s there between us. I can’t believe she had to come along and mess it all up. Anonymous: Does she know you used to date CTF? Overshare: No. Anonymous: So who did she think he went to the beach with? Overshare: His brother’s girlfriend. Anonymous: Does CTF even have a brother? Overshare: No. Anonymous: Wow. Can you even imagine the lies she’s hearing?
My last post caused a lot of talk about Overshare’s education, so I thought I’d try to give you a more accurate picture of her.
I’ve said before that she’s a well-educated woman. Her undergraduate degree is from a top-ten ranked college in New York State, according to US News. She then went south, where she received her Masters from a Top 50 school. (I will say that her grad school is known for their football team.) Unfortunately, the exact nature of her degree would give away too much information about the kind of organization/company/institute I work for.
She isn’t from a broken home. Her parents have been married for more than a quarter century and seem to be rather normal, well-adjusted people. They do have two wackadoodle daughters though. I remember the time that Overshare’s Sister called to ask Overshare why she hadn’t bought her a birthday present and told her that she now expected something quite expensive since she was late, and preferably the gift would come from Coach. I haven’t been in a shouting match like that with my sister since she was 14 and I was 10, and I think we were arguing over me using her makeup. The fact that the fight took place over the phone at her workplace… oh my damn, the drama.
I just wanted to point out that this is what makes Overshare particularly perplexing. She's not just your standard irritating coworker. Not only is she well educated, and from a somewhat normal family, she’s also extremely good at her job. And I mean extremely good. She brings a level of organization to her position that was very much needed and has made a difference for the better. Why that organization, rational thinking, and common sense has never made it into her personal life remains a mystery. It's like someone turns off the logic switch whenever she starts to talk about anything other than work.
I think this little interlude showcases the crazy the best:
Overshare, walking into my office: Oh man. Anonymous: What now? Overshare: Nothing big… it’s just been such a long time since I came to work drunk, that’s all. Anonymous: You’re drunk? Overshare: Just a little. I’ll be fine in about an hour. Usually I’m just hung-over when I come in after a night of drinking. Guess I went a little overboard at Skank Bar last night. Anonymous: Guess so.
Also, I've updated the Cast of Characters, if you ever want to refer back to keep people straight. I'll continue to update it as I add new characters. And if you ever feel like emailing me a question or comment, you can reach me at coworker.anonymous@gmail.com. That's it for now! The stories will return in the beginning of next week.
There was a scary month or two where she was actually considering moving in with CTF, including a horrific two-week period where she was visiting several potential apartments with him. All of us at the office tried to convince her that this was the Bad Idea to End All Bad Ideas, but shockingly enough, she didn’t listen to us. There’s nothing like moving in with your wannabe-Michael-Jackson felon ex-boyfriend to create an awkward situation, but whatever.
Thankfully, a better circumstance arose and the CTF/Overshare apartment never happened. But it does mean that a new character needs to be introduced into the saga.
I am pleased to introduce Overshare’s new roommate, Wyoming.
Wyoming, as you might have guessed, is from Wyoming. She’ll tell you. Over and over again. Her home state makes it into virtually every conversation she has.
Anyway, not only is Wyoming Overshare’s new roommate, oh no. That wouldn’t be blog-worthy. No, Wyoming is also a new coworker of mine. She and Overshare went to the same graduate school together, so when an opening came up in a different department in our company, she sent it on to Wyoming and encouraged her to apply.
The hiring process alone was a thing to behold—Overshare badgered our HR department every single day about whether or not they were going to hire her. A friend of ours is the person who was in charge of interviewing for the position and happens to sit very close to me. Every day, Overshare would stop by and ask how everything was going, despite being told repeatedly by HR and said friend that what she was doing bordered on the illegal. (Like she cared.) I ended up having many conversations with said friend, who almost lamented that Wyoming appeared to be the best fit for the job simply because he wasn’t sure how the Overshare factor was going to affect the workplace. But eventually, Wyoming was hired, and it turns out that she’s very good in the position.
But she’s weird.
Make that Weird, with a capital W.
For example:
A few weeks after she was hired and settled into her new job, Wyoming received a new computer. Her office is directly off of our reception area, so while IT was installing the new computer, there were some large boxes in the reception area that had once held the new monitor and CPU, etc. As all of us who have ever had computers replaced at work know, you’re basically useless while this process happens. Normal people stand around, chitchat with the IT guy (if he’s not too socially challenged), go to the bathroom, hang out with a friend, go to lunch, something. But, like I said, Wyoming is Weird.
So how does Wyoming handle the down time?
She climbs in one of the computer boxes, of course.
You read that right. Wyoming, a fully-grown mid-twenties woman in business casual, climbs into the discarded computer box and shuts the lid in order to wait out the computer change-over.
Not only that, but she calls out to the office to come and look.
Wyoming, voice muffled by box: Hey, hey! Receptionist! Go get Overshare!! Receptionist: Why? Wyoming: Isn’t it obvious? Receptionist: Not really, no. Wyoming: Cause I’m a girl in a box! A girl! In a box! Receptionist: Ooooookkaaaaayyy…
(calls Overshare to come to the front)
Overshare: Hey, Receptionist. What’s up? Wyoming, gleefully: Overshare! I’m a girl in a box!
After the parking-lot-sex breakup, you may be shocked to learn that things between Overshare and CTF didn't really change that much. Along with every other unfortunate soul in my office, I was still regaled with stories of The Felon and his numerous "qualities" for several weeks. And then one Monday morning, Overshare started receiving flowers.
Lots of them.
Anonymous: What's with all the flowers? Overshare: The Asshat is trying to say he's sorry. Anonymous: With carnations? Overshare: Yep. Asshat. Anonymous: What did he do now? Overshare, obviously gearing up for a great story: You know how I was out of town this weekend, visiting my parents? Anonymous: Yeah... Overshare: Well, my roommate-- the ugly one? Remember her?-- went out dancing Saturday night, at Skank Bar. Anonymous: Uhoh. Overshare: And apparently, CTF didn't have to work like he said he did, which is the excuse he gave me for not coming home to meet my parents... Anonymous: So he's sending flowers because he lied about being at work? Overshare: Nope. He was at Skank Bar, drinking. Anonymous: Uhoh. Overshare: Not only was he drinking, but he hit on my roommate. The ugly one. Anonymous: He did what? Overshare: He hit on my ugly roommate. Was feeling her up and stuff and when she told him to stop because he was with me, he said "What Overshare doesn't know, won't hurt her... plus, I have needs." Anonymous: Buh? Overshare: Like I wouldn't have taken care of his needs at my parents' house!
At this point, I'm thinking: Please-- someone stab out my eye. And then it just got plain weird.
Overshare: Hence, the flowers... it's like he thinks he's Michael Jackson or something.
Later, I would devote much time to that last sentence, pondering its meaning. Never did come up with an answer.
